State of Confusion

Jar Of Tears
By Cynthia R. Daigle

Do you have a Jar of Tears?
Hurt collected through the years.
Unbroken glass with guilt inside
And other things you try to hide.
Unspoken words from the past
Cause scars that forever last.
Bitter memories, regrets, and shame;
You think you are the one to blame.
Lost and alone, your soul is bound.
Your broken heart lies on the ground
Nothing seems to stop the pain.
Your salty tears fall like rain.

Can I see your Jar of Tears?
Precious jar you hold so dear.
Can I look into your pain?
Would I understand your shame?
I want to see your tears of sorrow.
Regrets from yesterday
Fears of tomorrow.
I want to look into your eyes
To see the pain you try to hide,
To know the reasons why you cry.

Can I hold your Jar of Tears?
Take away your doubts and fears.
Can I throw it to the ground?
The shattered pieces can't be found.
To give you the rest and peace of mind
Your weary soul seeks to find.
Your fear grows weak,
Your heart grows strong
I know it won't be very long
Until I hear you call My name.
You'll fall into My arms again.
You know I will be there for you,
To break your Jar of Tears in two.



When I read those words I wrote and I remember why I wrote them its hard for me to know that I am now the person on the other side of its context. My mind is restless and unsure of everything except for knowing I'm lost. I have a map somewhere but my hands are handcuffed to the past. I'm responsible for this state of confusion because of choices I made long ago. If I could go back and change things, I don't even know that I would. I know it will someday make me wiser and stronger, but for the time being, I am at my weakest point.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't even know where I am. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know anyone who cares. I know there are people who love me but I keep on shutting them out. I hurt the one person that loves me with all His heart every day. I want to run back to Him with all my strength because I know that He would take me in His arms and hold me while I cry but I am tied down by my own sense of failure.

I'm addicted to things that break my heart and only cause dissapointment. My soul has been torn into pieces and given to those who could care less about what happens to me. I have everything, yet I have nothing because I no longer have the twinkle in my eye. The little things in life no longer bring me the joy they once did. My love and compassion for people has been taken advantage of. My trust has been broken. I don't know who or what to believe and I can't trust my own judgement anymore.

I lead a double life, don't believe what I say about who I am, I'm probably lying to you. I'm probably lying to myself. I've been living in a lie so long I don't even know what the truth is anymore. I just know that I am tired of having to worry and cover my tracks so that I don't get caught. Every day that I continue to deceive, I am just putting a noose around my neck and then having to live in fear of falling.

These burdens, my shame, have become to heavy to carry... it is time for me to admit to what I've done and accept the consequences. It is time to move on with my life.