The One Where I Posted an Online Ad

The Craigslist ad I posted in my dream last night:

CAT POOP TREATS

Turd nuggets delivered fresh weekly for your canine pal. Sizes are small and large. $5 per bag, payable in advance monthly.

As I hit upload, I was able to observe 4 separate scenes. 

The first scene was an elderly gentleman browsing the internet with a brown overly-excited short-haired dachshund in his lap. This pup clearly knew what he was getting for Christmas and he was PUMPED UP about it. 

The second scene was my two cats, a small one and a large one and they were looking at me with a great deal of disdain... "We find this disturbing and unacceptable."

The third scene was a Craigslist auditor in charge of reviewing ads of questionable content. "Welp... It's disgusting... but it's not against the TOS."

And the forth scene was the saddest face of my basset hound. I was selling HIS snacks. How could I betray him?!?!

I woke up when my husband kissed me goodbye as he was headed off to work. I immediately burst into a fit of giggles and after I explained what was so funny, he started digging around to find "the crack I must have been smoking."

The One About Sharks, Shipwrecks and a Sold-Out Superdome

I was on a cruise ship traveling near Panama. George Clooney and Brad Pitt were directing a B-movie about shark monsters (thanks Sy-fy Channel). I was cast as a victim and my scene was being shot in one of the swimming pools, despite being surrounded by the vastness of the Caribbean Sea. In order to be viciously eaten, I had to essentially dive into an immobile rubber sharks mouth. So basically my death amounted to a poor decision on where to launch myself towards water. 

During our voyage, the world was going into a post apocalyptic and heavily militarized state (reason unknown). The ship was wrecked and I was separated from my friends and family. I took shelter with a family in the countryside for a short time to recover and then journeyed through varying terrains, heading north towards the states. Traveling was dangerous. I was almost shot trying to retrieve a watermelon after curfew. 

When I finally reached home, I had been gone many years and presumed dead. Every time I was reunited with a family member or friend I think I could feel myself physically hyperventilating it was so emotional. It felt like the video of that dog that worked itself up so much while greeting it's owner, it actually passed out. (Included below)

I was the front-woman to a highly successful rock band (complete with a full orchestra) and my disappearance caused quite the conundrum. The label decided they needed to keep the money machine churning and they had managed to find someone who looked similar to "perform" at concerts. In order to prevent someone not close to the situation from figuring out the ruse, they turned my alter-ego into a recluse. Irrevocably damaged by being "attacked by a shark while I was floating in the sea". Now the cat was out of the bag and my management very quickly set up had a massive concert at the Super Dome to celebrate my return. 

I hadn't even had a shower yet when I got pushed out in front of 200,000 people, but I performed brilliantly along with my double. The house lights came up with the sunrise.

Dissection of a Brilliant April Fools Day Joke

STEP ONE: IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO BE INSPIRED AND IDENTIFY YOUR VICTIM

A few months ago, I went through a local automated car wash around sunrise and was inspired to snap a few photos as the water rushed over my car followed by the various rounds of cleaning products. I was surprised how most of them turned out very reminiscent of spatial entities. I immediately thought of my dad and his deep interest in everything space related. He regularly stargazes and always has the 411 on what's going on in the universe.

It was almost instant that I thought maybe I could pull a fast one and convince him that these were photos of a new-found galaxy. A wildly vibrant unexplored territory of our vast universe. As we now have satellites that have physically reached beyond the rings of Saturn, it was a completely feasible idea.

Now remembering that April Fool's Day is approaching isn't typical of me and I often fall victim to/suffer the consequences of having such a poor recollection of the arrival of this mischievous day. My dad and older brother have always taken great joy in participating in the days antics and since I naturally lean towards being a bit gullible, I have been their perfect target for a fair share of my life.

Nope. Not this year. I remembered and it's payback time. I told myself "Self, we need to develop this idea. It has great potential."

STEP TWO: PLOTTING

I started with the photographs. After some minor tweaking, I turned the very identifiable foamy yellows, blues and pinks into something more vibrant and otherworldly, possibly creations of elements and gases that we haven't even identified yet! I'm pretty sure I can spot an alien (or maybe that's a lovebug).

Image 1A and 1B

Image 2A and 2B

Image 3A and 3B

Image 4A and 4B

Now, the big question. How was I going to present these images? It has to be believable. OH, I know... I could make an "official" news website with a fake article on the "new discovery". We regularly email each other links to pages with interesting news, that wouldn't be suspicious. Nah.... he wouldn't fall for that, the URL would give it away. It has to be actually official, maybe from a site he frequents.

I can't alter an official page... or can I *grin*. Thankfully, we have such things as smart emails these days. Want to email an entire web page? You most certainly can... and you can edit it beforehand. Now I just need to find the perfect article to alter.

Finding that was MUCH easier than I thought it would be. THANKS GOOGLE!

"NASA's Swift Satellite Images a Galaxy Ablaze with Starbirth"
http://www.nasa.gov/centers/goddard/news/topstory/2008/m33.html

This article is about the Triangulum Galaxy (M33) which has been known for quite some time, so I know my dad would know about it and possibly have seen photos of it, MAYBE even looked at it through his telescope BUT this article has a twist to it. What does that galaxy look like when images are taken with ultraviolet light, rather than visible light? He can't see THAT through his telescope. Any images I switch would be believable. ZOMG IT'S PERFECT!!!

Here's the actual photo of M33 as seen in ultraviolet light. It's actually quite beautiful. 

STEP THREE: FABRICATION OF SHENANIGANS

It's April Fool's Eve so its time to put the pieces together.

1. Create the email via the browsers "Share" command. It automatically loads the webpage as it originally seen into a smart email.

2. Switch out the photographs, easy enough.

3. Change a few dates to make it seem like it's recent news. Maybe not too new... that would be suspicious after all, I'm not as on top of the space news as he is.

4. Remove any working links so he can't click to the real article.

5. MOST IMPORTANTLY. TEST. TEST. TEST.

I know he uses a particular email client so how will this look when he opens it so I sent it to myself with the same email client to make sure everything opens as it should. Tweaked it. Tested it again.
ZOMG IT'S PERFECT AND THERE'S A NASA LOGO AT THE TOP!

6. Call upon one of my most trustworthy minions, Mom. Tell her to make sure he reads his email first thing in the morning before he realizes what day it is.

STEP FOUR: LAUNCH 

"Re: Check out how cool this new discovered galaxy looks! Psychedelic!!! NASA's Swift Satellite Images a Galaxy Ablaze With Starbirth"

STEP FIVE: HAVE PATIENCE

*check email* nothing

*check email* nothing

*check email* nothing

*DING* You have mail!

"I can see that galaxy through my telescope. It is a VERY faint greenish grey patch of light; nothing like this. Very nice photos.

Dad"

STEP SIX: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have FINALLY done it. I have FINALLY gotten my dad on April Fool's Day. You have no idea how delighted I am. *does a little dance*

"So you liked those pictures I emailed you? The article forgot to mention that the satellite that took those photos was launched from the SS Corolla as it rolled through the Boggies Bubbles quadrant."

His response was "I clicked on the link and got a virus on my Mac.... thanks".

Which, is entirely not possible btw. Sounds like deflection of defeat to me!

STEP SEVEN: AVOID BECOMING THE FOOL

From this point forward I know anything he says is not true. 

STEP EIGHT: DECLARE YOURSELF THE WINNER

Wear a party hat. Celebrate with a victory drink of choice. Be sure to smirk a little bit and don't forget to rub it in just a tiny bit (be careful not to over do it!). 

STEP NINE: DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR BROTHER

He surprisingly fell for the ole *insert valuable and well-liked Saints player here* is getting traded trick. Of course it really helps when someone has already made a believable webpage for you. *wink*

I'm definitely going to have to be on my tippy toes next year. 

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I came home from work and started getting ready to settle down for a quiet evening alone. I raided the pantry and decided to snack upon some Tabasco flavored Cheese-It's. Since I was digging around in the cracker area in the pantry, I realized we had two boxes of Saltines crackers. Having recently bought the new box of crackers and crackers not being something we eat frequently around our house, I knew the old box would be pretty full and fairly stale. So, I took the old box out the pantry and divided the remaining three sleeves, putting the crackers on the upside down frisbees I use as plates for our two dogs. I intended to put dog food on top but was sidetracked by another task, leaving the frisbees on the counter. Shortly thereafter, my husband stopped by to pick up some items for an evening hunt with a work buddy. He couldn't find an item and I guess the stop was taking a little longer, so his buddy came into the house just to see what was up. I froze in panic because as I was expecting to be alone for the evening, I was already "comfortably dressed" and I was too busy hoping a couch pillow and a Cheese-It's box would adequately cover how comfortable I was, to make much effort to have a conversation. I kept staring at the tv and it was only a few minutes until they were gone again. 

A couple hours goes by and my husband comes home for the night and we're talking about our days when he sees the Cheese-Its box abandoned on the coffee table and he says "Bob* said those were really stale crackers and we should throw them away."

I'm sure right about now you can imagine the expression of my face morphing "whaaaa? These crackers are perfectly fineoooohhhhhmygooooodddd he ate the dog crackers off the dog hair covered frisbee on the counter!!"

When my husband realized what happened, he said "I was wondering what the heck he was talking about when he said the crackers we had out on platters." and we both couldn't help but find tragically enormous amounts of humor in the unfortunate situation. We died laughing. 

I said, "you have to tell him!! I can't have someone thinking I serve terribly stale crackers to dinner guest I am obviously not having over since I was home alone!" My husband disagrees, thinking it's better off that his coworker never knows the truth. What would you do?

Sincerely,

Conflicted in Central

*names have been changed to protect the innocent victims. Also, I won't be serving cheese and crackers again anytime soon and THIS WAS NOT A DREAM. 

"When the Rain Comes"

Sometimes truly tragic things happen and you invariably ask yourself the question "Why?" Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. For some the question is "Why would God allow this to happen?" or one step further into questioning the existence of God altogether because a loving God that existed wouldn't allow it. It's easy to fall into the trap of being mad at the Universe or God. Rational thought concludes that awful things happen to incredible people and rotten people all the same without prejudice, with or without the existence of a God. 

Nonetheless you will likely find yourself bitter and angry with whoever or whatever.

The truth is being a decent human being makes one no less prepared to handle such events. It doesn't make the emotions easier to handle. It doesn't make the pain any less unimaginable. BUT. Those who love do not go unloved. Those who have shown kindness will receive kindness. Those who have reached out to someone hurting will find themselves with a long line of family and friends that are willing to sacrifice anything to take their pain away. It doesn't dissolve the hardships life brings but I find myself less bitter knowing that those good people are being taken care of In their time of need as they have done to others. 

I did find myself angry and asking the "why" question on my way home from work when I learned a good man, his wife and family suddenly lost what I'm sure was their entire world. After working through my heartbreak for them, I have since found some peace knowing that they are most assuredly feeling love and support from every direction imaginable. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. 

http://www.gofundme.com/75xbno

The Cat and The Crane Fly

"Bugs are eaten in your sleep." 

It's for the most part considered folklore or just highly improbable. That's not to say it couldn't happen, a heavy sleeper could experience just about anything including eating a bug but maybe just maybe, simply twisting the words to change the senario makes the statement entirely true. You are sleeping and indeed a bug gets eaten, just not by you.

In this case, a crane fly. The victim, my husband.*

My husband was snoring his butt off when the fly in question landed on his stomach and the 20lb killer furball laying in my lap saw it first.

I was unaware of the unfolding drama until mini-tiger immediately went into the pounce position and made THAT sound. If you have pets and know them well, then you know what sound your pet makes when it sees something it wants to kill and/or eat. A predator follows a simple rule, 'never take your eyes off your prey. Focus.' so figuring out where to look was not hard. When I saw the fly, my husbands life flashed before my eyes.

I took quick action to keep the beast at bay, at least for the time being. In those brief moments shoulder devil and angel made an appearance...

"He's snoring so loudly, you'll never be able to go to sleep. You've already asked him
three times to turn over to his side... Maybe this is just the jolt he needs..." 

"It's only because he's so very tired, how would you feel
if you were claw/mauled while sleeping?"

"Mangle! Murder! Mayhem!"

"He'll live and no doubt go back to sleep, maybe you will even fall asleep first... just let it happen... pain is temporary but being well rested can last the whole day!"

"Think about how grateful he will be when you tell him how you saved him while he slept.
It's incredibly thoughtful. Maybe he'll do something special for you in return."

"You're not letting me go. IT'S GONNA GET AWAY."

"SLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP... PRECIOUS SLEEEEEEPPP"

"You love him and he loves you. You shouldn't hurt the ones you love."

"I hate you"

At this time, I would like credit for saving my husband from becoming collateral damage/getting incidentally disemboweled while he was sleeping. I held fast and as the fly took off, I got the dirtiest look mixed with disappointment while the snoring continued undisturbed. I sent my husband a message that he would read upon waking up, briefly telling him how I saved his life and that he owes the cat a bug-hunting expedition, something they do together from time to time (yes, for real). As for me, well... I dreamed weird dreams as usual but the kiss I got on the forehead this morning before he left for work seemed extra special.

* No bugs or husbands were harmed in the telling of this story.

The One About a Post-Wedding-Wedding

I was a bridesmaid in a friends wedding last year. Besides the threat of thunderstorms, the sweltering humidity and some moments/actions that truly left me scratching my head, it was quite a lovely event. The bride was beautiful, the groom handsome, they said "I do" and everyone lived.

While my dream did not start as anything relating to a wedding, it certainly ended with one. I remember at the beginning, vacationing at a beach resort. The technicolored days were spent splashing in waves and riding sea turtles. I remember being disappointed about not being able to go down the whirly-twirly water slide and although a reason was not given, I'm *sarcasm alert* SUUUUUUURE it was a logical one.

Each time I physically wake up and go back to sleep, there's always the chance the dream will pick up right where it left of but sometimes it takes a twist. The twist here was now I was vacationing at a beach resort in asian metropolis. Same thing, but now the entire night sky was lit up with brilliantly lit flashing displays and advertisements. Tired of turtle riding and wave hopping, I decided to explore the area. It seemed a pretty popular destination was an old lighthouse and museum that had been remodeled and turned into a hot spot for people looking to party. I was drawn to it like a kid to a foam filled bounce house.

ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. ALL KINDS OF PARTIES. As I moved from room to room, the feel of things changed dramatically. There was ravers, the couch potato stoners, a room where it was high tea and crumpets, beer infused frat displays of masculinity, the cling of champagne glasses by spinning formal gowns and tuxes... then finally I came to a bi-level room, the top room with rows of ornate chairs and an aisle with a stage just before the railing, below a crowd of college kids having a good time.

This is where the wedding was to be. The guest were arriving, I was in my navy gown and suddenly there were triple the bridesmaids than were originally slated. The bouquets were in hand, the sun was shining through the big bay windows at the back but the groom was glued to the wall along the side like he was a late arrival to an overcrowded event. He wouldn't budge, instead choosing to participate from afar. The bride was a stunning vision of white and sparkly things as she walked down the aisle, but she was unfortunately quickly recognized by a drunken slosh from the party below. We all stood amazed as the co-ed in the skin tight black and blue color block dress climbed with bare feet over the railing, defying the laws of gravity, to grab the bride with the intent to drag her to party below. Clearly, she wasn't comprehending that there was something pretty significant the bride was involved with at the time but luckily, bridesmaids were able to grab hold of the brides dress to keep her from tumbling over the railing.

So the wedding continued with the bride at the alter and the groom content to yell his vows from his position as a wall-flower when near the end, the party below transformed into a perfectly timed swaying southern gospel choir in magnificent robes. As they broke out in song, I grabbed the mic and the dream ended with a show stopping performance of "Oh Holy Night". - 4:57am

The One About Quark Chiclets

Let me set this dream story up by saying in real life, I keep running into individuals/organizations that are using Microsoft Publisher for their design, the 97 edition. *sigh* Any graphic designer understands that sigh.


So, I started a new job at a mega campus where they made disposable shoes. I had no shoes of my own and it being the first day, how could I go to work for a shoe company with no shoes. I selected a pair of plum low-heeled pumps out of the vending machine.


The megaplex was so large, it took me hours to find where I was supposed to go and along my journey, I broke a heel. Of course. I mean they are supposed to be disposable but still. When I arrived to the area the designers were holed up in, I stood in the doorway like a cow stubbornly refusing to get loaded onto the meat wagon. It was a dank 10x8 room with prison windows along the top with about 12 designers crammed like sardines. The room had the same exact feel as the break room from my very first job when I was 16, McDonalds. It was depressing to spend 30 minutes of my day in that room back then.


There was a desk/bar that ran along each wall of the room and each designer had a SINGLE monitor from the 80's, all different models, shapes and sizes. If you stood in the center of the room you could see everything on everyone's screen (which to me is a creative nightmare). I could see pixels the size of Chiclets Chewing Gum. THEY DID EVERYTHING IN QUARK and some program called Pixelator, which may or may not actually be a program. In this world, vectors did not exist!!!!

I didn't even sit down at my station. I did what everyone does in this position in a dream. I hunted down the CEO, determined he was single (apparently so was I) and sweet talked my way into individual offices with top notch equipment and NO MORE QUARK! We were in the middle of a lovely dinner when I woke up. A designer's gotta do what a designers gotta do.