by Jeff Foxworthy
* More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
(ummm my uncle is a desendant of Robert E. Lee)
* Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
* You ever used lard in bed.
* Your home has more miles on it than your car.
* You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
* There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
* Fewer than half of your cars run.
* The primary color of your car is "bondo."
* You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
* You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
* You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
* The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
(omg people... don't mix white lights with colored lights... lol i just realized how rasict that sounds... but it just looks tacky)
* Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
* You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
* Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
* The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
* You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
* You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
* You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
* The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
(call 1-800-559-8900 DEISEL DRIVING ACADEMY... the song to a commercial that is permanently engrained in my head
* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
* Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
* You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
* You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
* You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
* You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
* Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
* You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
* You've been too drunk to fish.
* You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
* You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)
* You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
* You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
* Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
* You've ever financed a tattoo.
* You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
* You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
* Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
* Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
* You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
* Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
* You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
* You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occassions.
* Redman sends you a Christmas card.
* You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
* Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
* You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
* You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
* You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
* The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
* You mow your lawn and find a car.
* If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
* You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
* You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
* You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest" contest.
* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
* You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
* You've ever made change in the offering plate.
* If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
* You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
* You own at least 20 baseball hats.
* You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
* You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
* When you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.
* Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon, The one that hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
* Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
* You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
* Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
* You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
* Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
* You have an Elvis Jello mold.
* You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
* You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
* You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
* You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
* There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
* The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'
* It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
* You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
* Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
* The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
* Yer mom calls ya over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house!
* Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
* You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
* You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
* When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
* Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
* Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
* You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
* You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.
* Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
* The most serious loss from the hurricane was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
* You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
* You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
* You've ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose!
* You can tell your age by the highth of rings in the bathtub.
* You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
* Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
* The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
* Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
(that actually happened quite often at my middle school)
* On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
* Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
* You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
* In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
* You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
* Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
* Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
* You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
* You bring your dog to work with you.
