8.31.2004

Random Thoughts for Today

The place to be is Buffalo Wild Wings... to bad I can't be there cause I have class at 1:30... I really must tell Steven that I do occasionally go to school lol Bible Study tonight... we're having pork chops... I will set aside my lack of an appetite for pig meat as to not offend someone I care about. I still refuse to eat sausage though. The fish in the bowl on my desk is threatening me... he's lucky that glass is protecting him... I'm sure I could win a showdown but that would be a really tiny fillet.... is it reaaaalllly worth it? My co-worker and I just devoured a mini kit-kat... we were having a chocolate attack... that poor little kit-kat didn't even have a chance. Is it me... or did all those random statments have something to do with food... maybe that means I am hungry...

8.30.2004

Bumper Stickers

"Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an ass."

"Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date."

"Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted."

"I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off."

"Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship."

"Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one."

"Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people 'Everybody But Me'."

"Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends."

"Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me."

"If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."

"Try not to let your mind wander... it is too small and fragile to be out by itself."

"Welcome to America... now... speak English."



Letter to a Bank

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough
to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber
last month. By my calculations, three seconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years. You are to
be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you,
I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded
faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

Press buttons as follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.- To transferthe call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.
8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if
ever-so-slightly less prosperous day,

Your Humble Client

Judy Gina Starr
Account Executive MRI Sales Consultants of San Antonio
8626 Tesoro Drive, Suite 515 San Antonio, TX 78217

Am I Weird Because...

I read the newspaper backwards (as in I start on the last
page and work my way towards the front).

I prefer to drink with a straw... two whenever possible.

I can relate to various fuzzy creatures or inanimate objects.

I always have that one random object in my purse when needed...
just like McGuyver except he doesn't carry a purse.

I often ponder upon amoebas.

I eat my meals in a particular order (fries then hamburger).

I believe it is possible to love many people... even though I
believe I should give my heart only to one.

I make random references to penguins, koalas, and my
trained ninja monkey.

I hate talking on the phone but I love in depth conversations.

I've only been in love once.

I hate shopping... particularly for clothes...
although I love buying cute shoes.

I perfer to pay with cash but I generally only have my
debit card in my wallet.

I am generous to others but cautious about
what I spend my money on.

I tend to mutilate my food... tearing it apart piece by
piece and eating it in sections(its quite an interesting affair).

I am an organized packrat.

I drink hot chocolate on the hottest of summer days.

I hate the cold but want to build a snowman someday.

I cross my eyes when I am concentrating on something,
especially when I'm painting.

I feel threatened even though I know there's no reason
for me to feel that way.

I am intelligent but I forget to look both ways before
crossing the street.

I can't lie without getting busted.

I am fascinated by pop-up books.

I cry when others cry even though I have no clue what
they might be crying about.

I get all excited when I get mail (even junk mail).

I know getting a new toothbrush will always cheer me up.

I want a kid someday but I'm terrified that I would be
a pathetic mother.

I hate nascar but will watch those cars go around and
around that dumb track.

I like being alone but always seek someone to spend time with.

I am a perfectionist but also a procrastinator.

I want a career and a family life.

I am a republican that isn't rich.

I hate the very qualities about myself that attract people to me.

I find it difficult to relate to those who believe
different things or live in a different way... but those
are the people that seek out my company.

I am an artist that doesn't rely on drugs for creativity.

I can't seem to make friends with girls,
but my two very best friends are girls.

I feel alone sometimes even in a room of people.

I can solve everyone else's problems, but not my own.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel but never the path
to reach it... I just have to walk towards it and trust
the path is there.

I bring comfort and peace to other people,
but I never feel it myself.

I can't pick a favorite color.

I think the different colored M&M's do taste different...
maybe just a little bit.

I want a tattoo but I'm scared of needles.

I have over 1000 CD's and a majority of them
I have never listened to.

I hate to go with popular opinion, but I tend to agree
most often with the popular opinion.

I have kept my dead $40 bonsai tree for two months in hopes
somehow it was still alive (and actually two green leaves
sprouted out of the dirt this week so HA!).

I live for bubblebaths.


(to be continued...)

8.27.2004

One Vote

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
~Mahatma Gandhi

"Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed"
~Mao Tse-Tung

Does one vote make a difference? It does... here's proof...

In 1923, one vote gave Hitler Leadership of the Nazi Party. We all know how well that worked out.
In 1776, one vote made English America's official language instead of German.
In 1845, one vote decided Texas and California were cool enough to become one with the Union.
In 1649, one vote decided that Charles I of England was to be beheaded.

Whatever your political affliation is... your vote matters... unless you're voting for Ross Perot... then you might as well throw your vote into the toilet and flush it.

"The punishment which the wise suffer who refuse to take part in the government, is to live under the government of worse men"
~Plato

8.26.2004

Within The First Week

So I've pretty much wrapped up my first week of classes... save for one class tomorrow. The first two days went well except for the fact that it was just mass chaos... but that's normal especially in the fall. It's really really sad though that I've already skipped my first class (read my clock wrong yesterday morning and completely missed class #1 on Wed. morning) and I was an hour late for my second class that day after I lost track of time while getting my art supplies. Then today, I was late for my first class of the morning because of some undisclosed construction on Nicholson... so the semester has started off with me being lame and disoriented... great.

I also got my first complimentary "God I hate you, you make me sick" comment... after I arrived to class an hour late and finished my work within 30 minutes. The rest of the class took nearly 3 hours to do the same amount of work. Hey what can I say... I just get the job done and I do it right the first time... nothing special. Hopefully it kinda made up for the fact that I wasn't even there for the first 1/3rd of the class. Oh well, if it didn't... I can always use the old... "see I was just diagnosed with Hydrophrosis" line... thank God I actually have documentation for that though haha

8.24.2004

Today Was Brought To You By the Letter 3

If one word could sum up the events for today... that word would be... INTERESTING. I think I'm going to leave it at that because for once... I have nothing to say about it. Maybe I'll say it tomorrow... after I've put plenty of thought into it.

8.23.2004

The Last First Day

Well today officially marks the first day of the last year of my collegiate career. The fall semester started off in its usual madness... that is what typically happens when you go to a college with over 32,000 students (and that's just on the main campus.. LSU has 8 different campuses!). Parking problems were compounded by dazed and confused freshman and construction everywhere. As usual, I found it easier to park almost 15 minutes away from campus and simply walk in lue of driving around and hoping to snag a more convient spot. No amount of winking or flirting can help obtain that precious square footage inbetween white parallel lines. Parking out by the levee, is an event that usually only occurs on Saturdays during football season... but today... my little Saturn was on the green sloped hills along the river... and no bus in sight. Now, I don't normally object to walking... besides I heard somewhere that that's actually healthy... but my god... it was hot.

Anyways, although my gradutation is months away (in the spring *hint hint* I NEED MONEY *ahem* you know just in case you were wondering what to get me) there is a mixture of excitement and sadness. I pumped myself up this morning by blaring "Hey Fightin' Tigers" and other various LSU tunes while devouring a bowl of Fruit Loops. Sadness because I went to pick up my last set of $50 tickets to the games. That means if I'm still in Baton Rouge this time next year... add another $200 to that price just to enter Tiger Stadium. Yeah, that's definetly a reason to be sad. But this year, I'm still shaking my pom poms in the appropriate places and wearing my lucky fuzzy tiger tail so that it accents my God-given enhancements just right.

This last year promises to be a lot less stressful. I'm taking watercolor and oil painting, 3-Dimensional Design (a fancy way of saying sculpture), and the history of the New Testament (my only lecture class) this fall. I know it sounds like a fun schedule and really it is since I love to paint and have been itching to get my hands on paint brushes for some time now, but trust me, studio classes consume time and money like you wouldn't believe. My only consulation is the fact that I am a natural Speedy Gonzales when it comes to slapping paint on a canvas without sacrificing quality of course. Ariba! Ariba! Andale! Andale!

You'll have to excuse me now, I have to go out into the cold cruel professional world to prove my selfworth. Wish me Luck.

8.18.2004

Love Bugs, Bambi, & The Great Orgy


Awww isn't that just cute!

There are a few places on earth that are lucky enough to become the site of one of the biggest orgies once a year. Louisiana, is one of those places. Once a year we are overcome by a population of love bugs that form a solid wall of blackness. If you are so lucky as to not know what a love but is then let me enlighten you. Love bugs are these irritating little black bugs that appear out of nowhere and become permanently attatched to each other until they meet their end on someone's windshield. They eat the paint off your car and congregate wherever there is white. They are so numerous that you can't walk outside without almost swallowing one... which goes on the list of "the most disgusting thoughts ever"... right behind Richard Simmons naked...

While this is one of the biggest orgies, I have learned it is nothing in comparison to the massive numbers of horny people roaming the internet. Everybody has something to show and everybody wants something to watch... does anyone even take time to get to know anyone anymore... apparently not. Its all about immediate self-gratification.

They are WORSE than telemarketers, never taking no for an answer and constantly chipping away at you until you crack one way the other. It forces me to get mean (I HATE having to be mean to someone) but for an instant my eyes turn green and a string of obsenities flow through my fingertips. I don't typically curse, so when I do curse you know you finally pushed me over the edge. At that point, I don't really care if I offend them or not. The funny thing is that I know, if you aren't willing to show they just go on to the next person so why are they so persistent when there's alway someone willing to give them the show they are asking for?

Honestly, I don't want to be seeing all that unless I have a close personal connection to you... meaning... that I'm in some sort of a defined relationship with you. That being the case, I DEFINETLY am not going to show anything that's meant only for my man. Do people not realize that's the most precious thing about theirselves? Their body is the most valuable gift that they can give someone... its not something to be taken so lightly. That's why inside everyone is hurting because the thing that makes them so special isn't really special anymore. It's like diamonds and platinum and college degrees and a really good horror movie or anything else that is rare... its rareity makes it valuable. It is sought after and harder to get because it is rare and that's what makes it special.

I know things aren't going to ever change, in fact, it will probably just get worse and worse until men are nothing but a number (in inches) and women are defined by their cup size and weight and nothing more. People will always get drunk and have one night stands and get involved in other self-desctructive activities. That's their decision... but they don't have to harrass and pester others to join them...

My name isn't Bambi and my telephone number doesn't start with 1-900... get over it.

8.15.2004

Mary Poppins Lies

...a spoonful of suger does not make the medicine go down, it only makes the vile liquid taste like sweet vile liquid. Horses from a carosel can not detach theirselves from the aforementioned carosel. Finally... flying a kite isn't so easy or as fun as she makes it seem.

Now if you know me, you'll know there are very few things that I am not good at or do not pick up easily. So after about an hour or running around with my $10 kite... I gave up. Granted the fact that God stopped all traces of a wind (wasn't there a hurricane or something floating about?!?) right when I finally got the kite put together. I mean it literally took me maybe 3 minutes from the minute I walked outside and thought to myself "hey, the wind is blowing pretty hard... I could fly my kite" to getting the kite from behind my entertainement center (I kept it handy just in case such wind-blowing occured)... to when I placed four little spokie things in and there was a kite.... for the wind to literally cease and desist. God actually smote the wind I think.

Anyways, determined to attempt getting Butterfly to fly with the remnants of a breeze, I ran around in my yard for about an hour before I gave up and wound the string back up and sadly... placed Butterfly back into the box.

All sadness aside... I attended quite possibly the most "interesting" wedding ever... I'm not even going to attempt describing the exhibition of oddness. INSTEAD... I will tell you that I consumed the BEST HOT CHOCOLATE ever! I described it as a "liquid brownie"... it was really more like sex in a cup. I also lost my karaoke virginity... I couldn't help it... the microphone was too sexy...

8.13.2004

It's Not Easy Being Green



I can't tell anyone just how much I love Kermit... I have many loves in my life but only one of them is fuzzy green. I could stare at his picture all day.

Now don't think I'm one of those weird Furry people... no its not like that at all. In case you have no clue what I'm talking about Furries are people that dress up in mascot outfits and hook up with other people who like dressing up in mascot outfits... Yes there is a whole society of people who spend their time trying not to be people but puppet people, but in their mind they aren't even puppet people, they are the random creature that they decided to dress up as that night.

So anyways its not anything like that... its just... hes so dern cute and clueless... and who wouldn't want to steal him away from that self-absorbed pig of a pig.

If you're thinking, "man this chick has issues"... you're probably right. But I'm also delirious from hunger and sleep deprevation. Anyone who would like to bring me lunch is more than welcome to do so by the way...

8.12.2004

The Coffee Fairy


The Coffee Fairy Strikes Again!

So I'm at work today... talking about my apparent need to instigate and prey upon helpless unsuspecting victims with a friend... and for some reason, he suggest that I invest in an ICBM. My response to that was... "actually... i'm pondering about the coffee fairy at the moment... can i get back to you on that?" I paused... then said "hey, what's an ICBM?" to which he replied "inter-continetal ballistic missle". Now that's all pretty interesting, but back to the question of the day... who IS the Coffee Fairy???

When I get to work at 8 am there is a fresh multi-gallon container of blessed Community Coffee in the break room. In this fancy shmancy place, there's several break rooms with these containers from which springs forth glorious blackness in which I pour several mounds of sugar and french vanilla creamer. I know it is not myself that made the coffee and I never see who does... I even arrived early to catch the fairy in the middle of his or her (although I'm almost certain that fairies are inherently female) mystic activites of brewing. Perhaps it is not a fairy at all but a trained ninja monkey from the LSU Vet School. These are the offices of the President and Vice-Presidents of LSU, its not like they couldn't afford a trained ninja monkey to make their coffee. Still there would perhaps be remnants of a Banana peel every now and then. All pondering aside... I am enjoying my calorie-loaded goodness thanks to the skill of the Coffee Fairy. All praise be to the Coffee Fairy. Now I just need a Wash-Cynthia's-Car Fairy.

8.11.2004

Monkies and the Communist Party

The following is an editorial I found pretty interesting preceeded by an image I thought to be humorous. As not to confuse you as to where my loyalties lie... I like monkeys... they provide hours of entertainment for the entire family. Oh and if you're one of those treehugging, anit-war whiners... its like my friends away message always says "Besides ending slavery, Communism, Facism, and Nazism, war never solved anything." Think about it.


Click on Image to view larager.

Communist Party USA

The southern Democrats must be thrilled by the news that the Communist Party of The United States of America, CPUSA, is publicly supporting the election of John Kerry. The CPUSA has made available on its Web site, cpusa.org, an advertisement entitled Top Ten Reasons To Defeat Bush. This advertisement can be downloaded. The communist party urges readers to place this ad in local newspapers throughout the country to defeat President Bush.

Remarkably, the "Top Ten Reasons" of the Communist party are identical to those of the Democratic party; out-sourcing, homosexual rights, abortion and the like. At first, I thought "this is only a coincidence." The Democratic party of the United States couldn't be in lock step with the Marxists! So, I wrote to a spokesman of the CPUSA in Georgia and here is part of his letter:

"The CPUSA supports the John Kerry campaign with donations and volunteer effort. We believe that defeating George Bush is the single most important issue this November ..."

Next, I discovered that one of Kerry's campaign themes is "Let America be America Again." This slogan was borrowed from a Communist poet, Langston Hughes. This is not common knowledge to the average American. "Let America be America Again" sounds good but is a rambling, gloomy poem. Interestingly, another poem by Langston goes as follows;

"Goodbye, Christ Jesus, Lord, God, Jehova, Beat it on away from here now. Make way for a new guy with no religion at all -- A real guy named Marx, communist, Lenin, Peasant, Stalin, Worker, ME -- I said, ME!"

Then, if this was not enough to convince me that the Democratic party has lost it, a third discovery! A Vietnam vet group took a trip to Communist Hanoi to investigate a report that John Kerry was in the "Hanoi Hall of Fame." Yes, there is a museum in Hanoi with a section dedicated to foreign activists who help defeat the United States Military in Vietnam. Of course, you would expect Jane Fonda's picture to be there. But, alas, there is John Kerry's picture shaking the hand of a communist official.

Never has there been such a tragedy. Never has there been such a threat to America. The Democratic party has been taken over by the far, far left! Not only the communists but the homosexual activists who are appalled that George Bush is married to a woman! They are enraged that the president wants a constitutional amendment to protect traditional marriage between a man and woman.

Then we have the ACLU running to a federal activist judge with every piece of legislation that doesn't fit into their leftist agenda. They support every Democratic socialist whim. The removal of the Ten Commandments is their top priority! Why can't our children read? The liberal NEA runs the government schools. You can't mention God or the Ten Commandments, but you can teach Islam and have the children pray to Allah and pass out condoms. The teachers union is solidly behind the Democratic candidate, John Kerry.

How about the AFL-CIO? Solidly Democratic. How about the press? Solidly behind the left. Case in point: Viacom owns CBS and Dan Rather. Dan is really the president of the American Leftist Establishment. Every night Dan informs the country what we, the troops and the president did wrong that day. His boss, Viacom, just happens to own the company that published Richard Clark's attack on George Bush and company. Clarke was the hero of the 9-11 hearing. Viacom pushed up the publication date of Clark's book to coincide with the hearings.

Oh, by the way, Viacom not only owns CBS and Dan Rather, but MTV! Yes, the same MTV that featured Janet Jackson's breast at the Super Bowl half time! Hollywood? There might be one or two votes for Bush from the filmmakers. But don't count on it. Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" propaganda film hurt the president. Impressionable youth fall victim to lies. But, not to worry. Truth means nothing to the Left. The quality of character of the Hollywood crowd is best illustrated by the recent antics of the starlet Britney Spears. After her 24-hour marriage, Britney is now engaged to a loser who left his unmarried, pregnant girlfriend and little child. There was not one eyebrow raised by the Hollywood-infatuated Network News. This is normal behavior for the left.

The deck is really stacked against the re-election of President Bush. Now even the mass murderer Saddam Hussein agrees with Kennedy and Kerry that the president is a criminal. Before the election in November the press will clean up Hussein to look like a saint and George W. Bush a gangster. John Kerry promises to save the union by going to the UN. Kerry may have to deal with Muslim Kofi Annan's son, Kojo, who received "consultant" fees from Swiss company, Cotecna, which oversaw Iraq's Oil-For-Food program. Some of the $10 billion that was funneled through the "family run" UN program ended up in al Taqwa and Asat Trust, two of al-Qaida's front organizations. Funny, there are al-Qaida in Florida and the UN, but not in Iraq! Alas, but who is chopping off heads in Iraq?

While the bulk of our National Guard are over seas fighting terrorist, every leftist weirdo is coming out of the closet to hi-jack the November presidential election. The question is: What are the "real" southern Democrats going to do? Will they join the CPUSA, NEA, ACLU and a host of other radical leftist groups or help save the country from this mob.

Confused ManGirl

Sometimes I'm forced to admit to my oddness
and sometimes I can be REALLY odd... but no
matter how odd I am... I'll never be as odd as
this guy (or girl?!?) and that makes me feel better.

8.10.2004

Baton Rouge What!?!

So I saw this story on MSN (The Best Sports Cities in America: 1-400) and decided to check it out. So I'm scrolling through the list (which has close to 400 cities listed) and when I read entry #41, I kind of do that whole double-take thing because it says "BATON ROUGE, LA.". So I'm sitting there and I'm thinking... how in the world does Baton Rouge merit such a high spot in such an extensive list when we have absolutely no pro teams, no semi-pro teams, nothing even considered pro anywhere within a 50 mile radius (do the saints really count as pro? New Orleans is ranked 22nd... the Hornets and Voodoo have redeemed that city). Anyways... so in my quest to find out the reasoning such an honor has been bestowed upon us... just a mere college town... I am happy to report that we are no mere college town.. but the supreme college town. Did I mention that when its Saturday night in Tiger Stadium, the population of the stadium alone (not including the bajillion tailgaters outside) is more than 62 of the parishes *counties* in Louisiana?!?
WHERE DO ALL THE PEOPLE COME FROM!!!


92,000 of my best friends; Tiger Stadium
Click here to find out which other cities
are best known for each major sporting event.


Fox Sports reports the following after a year long study of 400 cities that Baton Rouge is:

The Best of College Football

No, no, no, you misunderstood. When the Sporting News crowned Southern California as its national champion after the 2003 college football season, it was a mistake. OK, actually the mistake was when we inadvertently sent a USC-based cover into parts of Louisiana. If we needed proof of an entire state's passion, its energies focused on one team in one city, then LSU fans gave it to us.

Boy, did they give it to us.

E-mail. Phone calls. Letters. We got an idea of what opponents feel like when stadium public-address announcer Dan Borne says, "It's Saturday Night in Death Valley, and here come your Fighting Tigers of LSU."

Sellout (91,600 plus) after raucous sellout, and a BCS championship victory down the road in New Orleans, too, mean one thing in our Best Sports City rankings: Baton Rouge is No. 1.

Really.


Something to Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**..."
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Living in 2004

You Know You're Living In 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long service awards.

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.

ESPN.COM - Would the Real National Champions Please Stand Up?

Wondering what would happen if LSU and USC played for the undisputed national championship? You're not alone. So, we asked WhatIfSports.com to simulate a national title game based on the Tigers and Trojans statistics in 2003. The results were close. After simulating 50 games, LSU came out on top, winning 52 percent of the time, while 60 percent of the games were decided by seven points or less. The average score was LSU 24, USC 21.

LSU TOO MUCH FOR USC

NEW ORLEANS -- Armed with a defense stronger than a Pat O'Brien's Hurricane and an offense nearly as potent, No. 2 LSU stunned No. 1 USC 20-17 in the title unification game in the Superdome.

The much-anticipated matchup came days after LSU shocked Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and USC dismantled Michigan in the Rose Bowl.

"Anyone else want a piece of us?" screamed Tigers DT Chad Lavalais as confetti poured onto the Superdome field. "Nobody ever said a word about us. No one ever believed. They talked about Oklahoma. They talked about USC. Well, now they have to talk about LSU. We're No. 1, baby."


And that is undisputable thanks to the Tigers' defense.

After Ryan Gaudet drilled a 34-yard field goal to give LSU a 20-17 lead with 3:56 left to play, the LSU defense stopped USC not once, not twice, but three times in the final minutes. Matt Leinart completed just two of his final eight passes, one being a meaningless 18-yard completion as time ran out when LSU was in prevent mode.

"We knew they were good, but this is the best defense we saw all year," said Leinart, who led the Trojans offense to nearly 40 points a game heading into the championship game. "We just couldn't get anything going."

Leinart, who threw 38 TDs and competed 63 percent of his passes this season, finished just 16-of-39 (41 percent) for 177 yards with one TD. He was hounded and harassed all game and sacked four times.

The Trojans opened the scoring when Leinart threw a three-yard TD pass to Mike Williams with 3:56 left in the first quarter capping a seven-play, 56-yard drive. Ryan Killeen's extra point made it 7-0.

Defense dominated for awhile, with the teams exchanging punts, LSU missing a field goal and USC causing a turnover. And like he has done much of the season, Reggie Bush gave USC the lift it needed.

Bush took a handoff from Leinart at USC's 24, escaped the grasp of Marcus Spears in the backfield, burst through the line, juked Lionel Turner and outraced the Tigers secondary for the 76-yard TD. Killeen's PAT made it 14-0 with 7:04 left in the first half.

LSU finally got on the scoreboard when, after a 25-yard USC punt, Mauck connected with Michael Clayton for a 36-yard TD pass. Ryan Gaudet missed the PAT to make it 14-6 with 1:51 left in the half.

USC, however, drove right back down the field and added a Killeen 22-yard field goal to go into halftime with a 17-7 lead.

"The great thing about this team is that it never gave up all season, it's never panicked," said LSU coach Nick Saban. "We knew if we just kept playing our game, we'd come out on top."

He was right. After a scoreless third quarter, Mauck throws a quick out to Skyler Green who raced 54 yards down the sideline for the touchdown. Mauck hits Clayton for the two-point conversion and the score is 17-14 with 13:15 left to play.

After LSU forces USC to punt, the Tigers move 34 yards on eight plays and Gaudet kicks a 25-yard field goal to tie the game with 11:03 remaining.

LSU once again forced USC to punt, but after 10-play drive, Gaudet misses a 39-yard field goal. Another three-and-out by USC and LSU gets the ball back. This time, after marching 37 yards on eight plays, Gaudet nails the eventual game-winning 34-yard field goal with 3:56 left to play.

From there, LSU's defense -- the strength of this team throughout the season -- seals the deal by shutting down USC.

"Defense wins championships, right?" said Turner. "We knew we could do it. We believed. Now everyone else does to, right?"

We'll see.

Note: This is not based on what we saw after drinking seven Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's. This is based off a computer simulation done by WhatIf Sports.

8.09.2004

Adopt-a-Koala


Australian has been given
permission to kill 20,000 koalas


A koala population explosion on an Australian island has prompted calls for 20,000 of the furry, native marsupials to be shot to stop them destroying their island habitat and end a koala famine. Some 30,000 koalas on Kangaroo Island, off the coast of the state of South Australia, are stripping the island of its native gum trees, destroying the ecosystem and causing a koala famine, say environmentalists and national parks officials.

"We are talking thousands of starving koalas," said Sandra Kanck from the Australian Democrats, Australia's third major political party. "While they may be cute and cuddly we need to get beyond emotion to reality...my suggestion is professional shooters do it quickly and cleanly," Kanck told reporters on Friday of the proposed cull. The South Australian state government has rejected calls for a cull, preferring sterilisation and relocation. The Australian Koala Foundation also opposes a cull of the koalas, which on the Australian mainland are struggling to survive as urban development destroys their habitat. "The koalas are so hungry they are eating pine needles," said Kanck.

God Plays Favorites


After former Florida coach Steve Spurrier passes away
and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour.
He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded
University of Florida banner hanging from the front
porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't
get their own house up here," God explains.

Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks
at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge
2-story mansion with white marble columns and little
patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both
sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU
banner hanging between the marble columns.  "Thanks
for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. How
come I get this little 2-bedroom house with a faded
University of Florida banner,  and Nick Saban gets a
mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all Over
the place,  Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment and then
replies,  "That's not Saban's house, that's mine."


Geaux Tigers!

8.07.2004

Thwarted by Furry Creatures From Outer Space


Attempted to take over the world last night and I would have gotten away with it had it weren't for those meddlin' tribbles. *grrrrrr*

8.06.2004

I Miss Her


Lacey, 19
Click here to read Lacey's Non_Sibi xanga webjournal

I think about her all the time. Its been a year since my best friend left to work at Teen Mania Ministries in Tyler, Texas. Since then, I've only seen her twice, once I couldn't take it anymore and I drove all the way there to spend one precious day with her. She's finally coming home on the 14th to start college at LSU.

Lacey has spent the last year traveling everywhere you could possibly imagine to minister to people. That is her hearts desire, to reach and touch as many people as she can, which is why leaving and coming back home isn't exactly as joyous an occasion for her as it is for me. I know that those are feelings she's had to deal with and knowing her... she has come to realize that coming home and going to school will never limit her abilities to touch people. She has a light in her that her classmates will be able to see... people that walk by her will know something is different. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside and as we grew up together, I watched an unsure little girl transform into a strong and honorable woman.

Lacey has always been like a little sister to me and I remember times when I watched over her, from a distance though because Lacey never liked being supervised. There were many times that I wanted to help her but couldn't simply because I had to let her do it on her own. That being said in many ways... she has taken care of me too. I admit that since I fell away from church after I graduated from high school, that I've been through some struggles and continue to struggle in certain areas of my life. Nonetheless, she has never stopped loving me and as life goes on and our paths go seperate ways but always seem to be nearby.

I was listening to a song by LaRue yesterday and it overwhelmingly reminded me of her, so much that I found myself crying. I hope you know I love you Lacey.


Brianna's Song

I watched you grow
To be so bold
To wear your faith
Have it shine through your face

I see you as lovely that none can compare
And I see you as dancing although you cannot stand

And you have shown me how
How to know Him
And trust Him
You gave me a fire
Want to feel life
And embrace life
And to give life as though it were not your own
And there's nobody else
Who has shown me myself

I see you as lovely that none can compare
And I see you as dancing although you cannot stand

And I hear you
You're singing
Your passion
I'm feeling
It makes me
It breaks me
I long to sing like you

You
You
You

I see you as lovely that none can compare
And I see you as dancing although you cannot stand

8.05.2004

The Testimony of Steven Lewis

The following is the story of one of my most trusted friends, Steven Lewis. I went over to Steven's house to type this up for him and although he told me things about his past before, this was the first time that I had ever heard these particular parts of his life. Hearing what he was telling me, it was hard to believe that the person I was looking at was the same person as the one presented in this story. Its always amazing when you find someone who has really turned their life 180 degrees around. Sometimes its hard to talk about the lowest point in your life because it shows how venerable you truly are, there are very few whom I trust with that information myself... but reading this... the story of just a normal guy... lets me know that no matter how low it gets... things can always be changed.


Steven Lewis, 26

I wanted to write this story, my story, as an encouragement and testimony to those who are going through difficult situations and looking for some hope.

First let me start off telling you a little bit about my childhood. I grew up in a small town in southern Louisiana. It was, generally, a happy childhood but you could say I was spoiled. Like every child, I seemed to be seeking something more. I probably should jump forward to the edge of 16. At the time, I was attending Walker High School and was involved in music. I met a few other musicians and we began to practice together after school, meanwhile experimenting with drugs. It started off pretty simple with just a little pot smoking and the occasional 12 pack of beer but I began to notice that I was feeling a hole somewhere. School became less interesting as my drug use became more frequent. I was in and out of school and began to have trouble with teachers and classmates. Late one evening, some friends and I were riding in my car and we were inhaling nitrous oxide (laughing gas) while heading down the interstate at approximately 90 MPH. I eventually got so high, I got lightheaded and passed out behind the wheel and wrecked. A few moments later I was awakened by a passing truck driver. I was disoriented and confused, I thought he was one of my friends. I proceeded to pull him over towards me and said "Let's go." Then I realized who he was after he turned to me and said, "You can't go anywhere. You wrecked your car and its hanging off the bridge." My friends and I got out the car and tried to gather ourselves. Surprisingly, we were all okay but we continued to inhale the laughing gas until the police arrived. As the officer pulled up we threw it off the bridge. He wrote me at ticket for carelessness and sent me on my way. I rode home with the tow truck driver and my two friends. When I got home and my dad saw the car, he became very angry. He was mad not only for wrecking the car, but because time and time again he had told me "only drive one person in the car", being that it was only capable of holding two passengers. Because I was still high, I felt the need to taunt him a little. It got pretty ugly and broke out into fist fight. As he was paying the tow truck driver, I entered the house looking for an object to hit him with. When I couldn't find what I was looking for, I grabbed an AK-47 and as he came through the door, still angry, I walked out into the hall and held him up at gunpoint. My sister was also in the hall frantically screaming which made matters worse, because it only made me more angry. About that time my mother came home, so I gathered them all up and put them in the hall, shouting and cussing at them with the gun pointed at them. I had full intentions of shooting them, then turning the gun on myself. They tried to calm me down for a while but I thought it would probably be easier on all of us if I just let them live and kill myself. So I took the gun and turned it towards myself and now I was staring down the barrel of it. I thought to myself, "If I'm to die and go to hell, it couldn't possibly be any worse than the hell I already feel." Deciding it was time to pull the trigger, I pulled it but the safety was on. Because I was high, I couldn't really figure out what the problem was but my family managed to wrestle it away from me before I was able to unlock it. I was sent to one psychiatrist after another, trying to get clean and stay clean but the truth was that I didn't want to be clean. In fact, I had no interest in it whatsoever because any problem that I was feeling, I would get a fix to forget about it, although it was only temporary.

My drug use continued on and off, at times heavier than others. I ended up getting into the underground club life where I was surrounded by 20 to 30 other people just like myself, at all times. We were a tight group, sorta like a gang in a sense. We were into heavy drugs like XTC (ecstasy) and crystal meth and were frequent party goers in downtown New Orleans. I became a regular at raves, going there to break-dance and exchange drugs with others.

Now I'm going to jump ahead a little bit more to the age of 24. My drug use at this point was heavier than ever, but now I found something new and interesting. Steroids. On June 28th 2002, I was living in a rent house with two roommates. One was selling GHB (the date rape drug) and all three of us were on steroids. Tempers were always high and flaring so we all ended up pretty much staying to ourselves to keep from things getting out of hand. Myself and another roommate were a little closer than the third. He had a girlfriend and I was seeing someone myself. We were all drinking GHB and as the night went on, the roommate and his girlfriend grew tired and went to bed. I became nauseous after drinking too much GHB, so I headed to the bathroom. I'm not really quite sure how long I was in there, but I ended up laying in a fetal position in a pool of my own vomit, dry heaving. I heard a voice in my head that said "Get up now". Feeling like something was wrong, I struggled to get to my feet and I walked back to my own room. Looking into my room, I saw the girl I was with laying on the bed with her legs and arms spread. Her head was turned away towards the wall. I noticed that she had lost control of her body and urinated and threw up on herself. When I saw this, my first reaction was anger. I walked up to her and shook her, yelling "What the hell are you doing?". Then I reached over and grabbed her head, jerking it towards me. Seeing the vomit all over her face, in her nose and on her mouth, I realized something was terribly wrong. I climbed up onto the bed and opened up her mouth. I stuck my fingers in her mouth to clean out the vomit and I began to do mouth to mouth and checked for her pulse. After a few minutes, she began to breath very shallow. As I sat back to gather myself, I noticed the TV was on channel 69, which was TBN. It was the end of the Jack Vanempy show, where he was giving people an opportunity to "get right". He leaned up towards the camera, pointing his finger, and said "Are you bound to a life of drugs and sexual immorality and no matter how many times you've tried to clean up, you just couldn't do it? Well I'm here to tell you today, that you can be delivered and set free and become a new creation right now." He said the sinners prayer and I found myself repeating it. Having said it before and never really being serious, I knew this time I was desperate and truly meant it. I looked up at my ceiling and said "God, I know I've said this before, but you get me out of this one last time, I'll never be back in this place again." After that, I felt a sense of relief and I undressed the girl, brought her into the bathroom and set her into the bathtub in hopes that would wake her. I cut on the shower to clean her own vomit out of her hair. She began to have seizures and her eyelids would open with her eyes rolled back into her head. Knowing that she was alive was comforting, but I still did not know what her condition was and that made me nervous. I feared that she might be brain-dead. This went on for approximately 5 hours. Then I saw the sun coming up so I walked back into my room, leaving her in the bathtub. I was completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I laid on my bed to try to rest for a little while, when I heard her call my name. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, never feeling so relieved in all my life. She left that morning when she was feeling better and that was one of the last times I ever saw her.

After this event, I decided to get plugged into a church to try to get my life straight. So on July 7th, 2002, I made a public statement in front of the church that I would live for Christ and I would dedicate my life to Him. Later that evening, after church, a friend of mine invited me to come to a BBQ along with her sister, mother, and her mother's boyfriend. They lived outside of Baton Rouge on a pretty quiet river called the Amite. I ended up spending most of the day over there. It was getting late into the afternoon and my friend and her sister needed to leave to go to work. Being a friend of the family, I decided to stay around for a little while longer. They were drinking and the boyfriend insisted that I join him on a boat ride, although I was reluctant. I eventually agreed to go for a short while; however, he was speeding and driving very recklessly so I asked him to take us back. After we got back, we were sitting at a little Tiki bar and my friends mother joined us. It was a still day and the water wasn't moving in the river so he said to us "I'm going to go take a swim." Knowing that he had been drinking, I suggested that it might be a good idea if he wore a life jacket but he insisted on swimming without it. He had swam almost all the way across when I noticed that his head was bobbing in the water. He went under but I wasn't worried, knowing he had the reputation of being a prankster. I figured that he had probably just swam up underneath the peer and was probably hiding and laughing. I sat there for a moment when I realized that by now, there must be a problem. I dove in and swam across hoping to find him, knowing that I only had 5 minutes to find him if he really was in danger. I was pretty confident that I could find him since I knew where he went under. I dove down so many times that I almost drowned myself, but I kept diving so my friends mother wouldn't loose hope. After a few minutes, a boat came by and they pulled me in. The police arrived on the scene moments later and threw out the dredging nets. They found his body in the place that I was previously searching.

This was all very hard on me because moments before I remember him saying to my friends mother that he loved her and he knew she loved him and that he didn't think he could live his life without her. He said to her "If I didn't have you in my life, I think I would just die." She laughed and said "Don't talk like that." Then he turned to me and said "I don't have a lot of friends and I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, but there's something about you. There's just something about you that I like and I just want you to know that you're welcome to come over again anytime you want." After the accident, I tried to comfort my friends mother as well as I possibly could. I had the job of calling my friend and her sister at their work to tell them to come home because there had been an accident. When they got there, it was a very emotional scene and I was attempting to comfort 3 very distraught women. I waited around for a while until their family members arrived and then I left. On my drive home I was thinking how often I took people in my life forgranted, never really realizing just how fragile life is and how quickly it can be lost.

The stress of all the recent events in my life began to pile up considering the previous week I received another ticket, was laid off from my job, and plans for building my own home fell through. Although I had joked in the past about it, I was having a nervous breakdown. I got involved in a church group where they helped me cope with all the things going on. Then I went on a retreat and was able to get everything out into the open. I was completely delivered that weekend from everything. Its been two years now and I'm doing great. Now, I'm working with a high school youth group and I'm feeling very confident that I'll be able to influence their lives in a positive way. It hasn't been the easiest road, but I know its a way of life and when the Devil reminds me of where I've been and tries to entice me back, I am able to realize that there is no hope there and that I may not have the material possessions now that I had then but I have spiritual freedom and eternal life. I'll take that over anything that he could ever offer me anyday.

Car To-Do List


My '95 Saturn SL2... it looks sweet and
innocent too... but its just as devious as I am.

1. Wash and vacuume the poor thing
2. New brakepads
3. New domelight or plastic clips
4. Find out what is causing that
weird sound with the air-conditioning
5. Make a new MP3 cd to rock with
6. Harrass some cops (just kidding)
7. Ignore the guy next to me at the redlight who's trying to get my attention by turning up my better than his sound system *muhahaha*
8. Get a new car... but don't tell her I said that...

Olympic Diving

Hey everyone, just wanted to recognize a person from the past
for his present day achievements... and I have to say he was
awesome in high school... but then again... all Bulldogs are!
Congratulations Ceasar... we'll be cheering for ya!

Garcia Headed to Athens With Diving Victory

Baton Rouge native Ceasar Garcia topped the NCAA championship
he won for Auburn Saturday in St.Louis, taking the men's 10-meter
platform title and a spot on the US Olympic team headed for
Athens, Greece. Garcia was nearly flawless in his performance,
dominating the competition. The 22-year-old earns his first trip to
the Olympics, after scoring five 10's on his final dive, even though
he was so far ahead of the field, he could have scored poorly and
still won the title.

8.04.2004

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering

Here it is people... infamous Pinky and the Brain quotes... guaranteed to make about as much sense as I normally do... which isn't much if you know me haha Anyways, here are Pinky's responses to Brain's signature question: Are you pondering what I'm pondering? as compiled From Animaniacs complete with special comments from... ME.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Sure, Brain, but how are we going to find chaps our size?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so, Brain, but where we going to find a duck and a host at this hour?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.
*ouuu monkeys*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but this time you wear the tutu.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but me and Pipi Longstocking, I mean, what would the children look like?
*and the results of that poll would be an overwhelming majority of: scarey*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like weasels.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Wuh, I think so Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married?
*I think so... but that's because he's a flamer*

Pinky, Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Uh ... yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?
*Trojanman*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so, but where will we find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night?
*New Orleans*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Wuh, I think so, but we'll never get a monkey to use dental floss.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if they called them "sad meals", kids wouldn't buy them.
*they sure wouldn't Pinky... good marketing McDonalds... get rid of those dumb rap commercials * oh and M&M's... thanks for bringing colored M&M's back*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Aww, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career ... uh, it's all too much for me.
*Pinky, I understand*

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but there's still a bug in there from last time.
*god i hate bugs*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but I get all clammy inside the tent.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but I don't think Kay Ballard is in the union?

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Yes, I am!
*don't worry... it was a false alarm*

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but the Rockettes? I mean, it's mostly girls, isn't it?
*Actually Pinky... its just a bunch of missles that can dance*

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but pants with horizontal stripes makes me look chubby.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but panyhose are so uncomfortable in the summertime.
*I'm not gonna ask how he knew that... but he's right!*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but it's a miracle this one grew back.
*hoping he's referring to his tail*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain but first you'd have to take that whole bridge apart wouldn't you?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so, Brain, but "Snowball for Windows"?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but "apply North Pole" to what?

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but, snort, no, no, it's too stupid.
*probably*

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Umm, I think so Don Cerebro, but umm, why would Sophia Loren do a musical?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Umm, I think so Brain, but what if the chicken won't wear the nylons?
*I'd like to see that*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but isn't that why they invented tube socks?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain but what if we stick to the seat covers?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Ewww, I think so Brain, but I think I'd rather eat the Macarena.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but don't we need a pool to play Marco Polo?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so, but Kevin Costner with an English accent?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but do I really need two tongues?
*yes, yes you do*

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but we're already naked.
*HEY, they can't say that on children's programming!!!*

Brain, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
We eat the box?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but don't camels spit a lot?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but Pete Rose? I mean, can we trust him?
*nope... you sure can't*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but how do we get a pair of Abe Vegoda's pants?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but why would Peter Bogdanovich?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain but if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but isn't a cucumber that small called a gerkin?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if we had a snowmobile, wouldn't it melt before summer?

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Larry, and Brain, but how we will get all seven dwarves to shave their legs.
*is that something you REALLY want to see happen?*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but how do we get the Spice Girls into the paella.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if we get Sam spayed, he'll never have any puppies.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Well, I think so Brain, but wouldn't anything lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
*blush, the answer would be yes*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but three round meals a day wouldn't be as hard to swallow.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
But calling it Pu-Pu platter? What were they thinking?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if we give peas a chance, won't the lima beans feel left out?
*Being that I often feel like a lima bean... I can affirm that that is actually true.*

Brain, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
What was that?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if the plural of mouse is mice, wouldn't the plural of spouse be spice?

TPinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but can the gummi worms really live in peace with the Marshmellow Chicks?
*Nope, that's why they have Nerds... they keep everyone happy*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Yes Brain, but if our knees bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?

Pinky Suavo, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Yes, but why does the chicken cross the road, huh, if not for love? Oh, I don't know.
*only to have its little heart crushed by that no-good-for-nutin-cheatin-cock-a-doodle*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but I prefer space jelly.

Snowball, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Oh Brain, I certainly hope so.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but why would anyone want a depressed tongue?
*I was actually thinking that in the doctors office yesterday*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but who wants to see Snow White and the Seven Samuri?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but then my name would be "thumby".

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but I find scratching just makes it worse.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but shouldn't the bat boy be wearing a cape.

Pinklet, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Umm, I think so Brainie, but why would anyone want to Pierce Brosnan?
*I don't think I want to explain to Pinky what homosexuality is*

Pinky, Art Thou Pondering That Which I Am Pondering?
Me thinks so Brain, verily, but doest thou think Pete Rose by any other name would still smell as sweaty?
*Pinky must crush on Pete Rose*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but will they let the Cranberry Duchess stay in the Lincoln Bedroon?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
(to be completed)

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but why does a forklift have to be so big if all it does is lift forks?
*I find the word fork to be one of the funnest words to pronouce... try it... you'll like it*

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but wouldn't his movies be more suitable for children if he was named 'Jean Claude Van Darn'?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but what if the hippopotimus won't wear the beach thong?
*then everyone's eyesight will be spared*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Whew! I'd say the odds of that are terribly slim.
*indeed*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if was only supposed to be a three hour tour, why did Howells bring all his money?
*because the Howells were participating in illegal activities Pinky*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but Zero Mostel times anything is still Zero Mostel.

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but if we have nothing to fear but fear itself, then why does Elenor Roosevelt wear that spooky mask?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Umm, I think so Big Brainy Fish Face Stove Pipe Wiggle Room Eileen. But if you get a long little doggie, wouldn't you just call it a dachshund?

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but then I'd have to know what pondering is, wouldn't I?
*ahhh yes it baffles us all*

Pinky, Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
I think so Brain, but "instant karma" always gets so lumpy.

]Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?
Umm, I think so Brain-2, but a show about two talking lab mice? It'll never get on the air!
*Thank God the Warner Co. didn't think so*

WHOOOOOOO *like Ric Flair*

Ever have friends or people that no matter how bad you're feeling... a phone call from them always manages to bring a smile to your face? Well, I consider myself lucky... because I have several lovable goofballs in my life. Not only someone special, but two very considerate and supportive friends in particular. It usually starts with an insane voicemail message... I always laugh at the sillyness that streams from the phone. Its usually something along the lines of "Hey, I was in the shower... thought I heard the phone ringing. Does that ever happen to you? Oh well... call me... we'll talk about it." in a stalkerish cable-guy voice... then its followed by their real reason for calling which usually is as equally silly as the first part... like... "hey... just wanted to let you know... I'm moving... to my backyard." or "hey, we're going down the interstate at 120 MPH and Steven's hanging his head out the window.... what's up with you?" just kidding... although that doesn't sound too far off from what normally goes on. Anyways, as you probably could imagine... these guys have some pretty funny stories. Its fun listening to the crazy stuff they've done... granted when they were younger... the crazy stuff usually involved something illegal. Of course, they have been on good behavior for some time now, just to make sure you understand... they don't do that kind of stuff anymore. But that doesn't mean they don't still do crazy stuff now. For instance... and I'm pretty sure this is incriminating evidence but oh well... vandalizing a well-known cults fence by spraypainting JESUS LUVS YOU on it... who on earth does something like that and doesn't grow a third arm?

Well we were at lunch yesterday (went to Buffalo Wild Wings *yum*) and we were all starving... myself particularly. I don't know why I trusted Adam to squirt ketchup straight out the bottle into my mouth... I'm not even a real fan of ketchup unless its on fries or something. Anyways... he managed to get it right.... the second time. Probably lucky he didn't aim right the first time otherwise I'm sure he would have just kept on squirting until I probably died from ketchup drowning. Meanwhile Steven is over on the other side of the table claming he's about to chew on the table he's so hungry... and since I smeared the ketchup on Adam's arm because he got it all over my chin and on my shirt... he's smelling his arm and saying "ewww that's some funky ketchup". And I have to admit... it stunk pretty bad. Steven & Adam just got back from going to Houston for a few days and they brought along some poor fellow... all I can say is... I feel sorry for you man. I heard what they did to you. Just remember this... NEVER eat anything they offer you and NEVER bend over to get something around those two... you WILL get oil checked. I warned ya.

Anyways... I had to tell you about Steven & Adam... you'll be hearing more about these guys I'm sure cause they're too entertaining.

Article - My Odd Question Answered

Being that I am a graphic designer, there has always been one question that has bounced around in my head from time to time. That being, do different people see different variations of the same color. For instance, is the blue I'm seeing the same blue that other people are seeing, even though its the same color blue in reality. Seems like a fairly odd thing to ponder upon right? Well apparently not, considering that there are people actually studying this same subject... here are their results. The study findings were reported in the American Journal of Human Genetics.

 
Women See This One Color Differently

She sees crimson, burgundy, and tomato. He sees red. Just plain ol' red. Why? It turns out there's a perfectly good reason why men can't see what is so obvious to women: the many variations--some subtle, some bold--of the color red.

Reuters reports that researchers from Arizona State University in Tempe have determined there is a gene that allows us to see the color red, and that gene comes in a high number of variations. Because the gene sits on the X chromosome--and women have two X chromosomes and so two copies of this gene, compared with only one for men--the gene aids women's ability to perceive the red-orange color spectrum.

The Arizona researchers, led by Dr. Brian C. Verrelli and Dr. Sarah Tishkoff, analyzed the DNA of 236 men around the world and learned that the gene OPN1LW, which allows us to see the color red, has at least 85 variations--three times the number of variations you would expect to find in any other gene randomly selected from the human genome.

It turns out that these variations, which have been preserved throughout evolution, are beneficial. The researchers speculate that it all began in our cavewoman days when sharp color perception was useful to women when they gathered and foraged for food. The crimson berries may have been poisonous, while the burgundy berries were just fine.

Here's an interesting tidbit: The "red" gene routinely swaps bits of genetic material with the neighboring "green" gene that also sits on the X chromosome. Reuters notes that sometimes this exchange goes wrong and results in a defect that causes colorblindness. An estimated 8 percent of men are colorblind. Very few women suffer from this since they have two copies of the red and green color genes, and at least one of them tends to work correctly.

8.02.2004

This Is What Happens When...

I showed this to a friend the other day... almost forgot about this hilarious but somewhat traumatizing experience. I've learned that I've recently acquired an allergy to aspirin... how do I know? Well, within 15 minutes after taking some aspirin to cure a common headache... my lips became fluffy... and by fluffy... I do mean very fluffy... and they stayed fluffy for a period no less than 24 hours. I mean... there are chicks in Hollywood sitting in some doctors chair and getting poked by a needle and paying for this fluffiness and all I have to do is pop some aspirin. It was so weird I had to take a picture of it... not only did I look weird... but seeing as my lips are normally not anywhere near that size... I sounded funny because they were flopping everywhere when I talked and I just wasn't used to it. It was quite the freak show I'll tell you. To more or less sound uneducated... J Lo ain't got nutin on me...



For visual reference... I put a picture of my lips in "normal" stasis underneath so you can get an idea of just how bad the swelling was... anyways hope you got a good laugh...

Article - I'm a Stalker, You're a Stalker...

... wouldn't you like to be a Stalker too

Mind of a Stalker:
According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, 370,000 men are stalked annually -- one in 45 men. More than 1 million women are stalked every year; about one in every 12 women will be stalked in her lifetime. The overwhelming majority of stalkers are men -- four to one.

Psychiatrists have developed several stalker profiles:
1. The rejected stalker. This person was rejected in a relationship, and they perceive it as an insult, they feel wounded, and they are seeking vindication.
2. The resentful stalker. These are self-righteous, self-pitying people who may threaten, but they are the least likely to act on it.
3. The intimacy-seeking stalker. They believe they are loved or will be loved by the victim. Often they focus on someone of higher social status. This person is mentally ill and delusional.
4. The incompetent. This person is socially backward. He doesn't really understand the social rules involved in dating and romance. He doesn't mean any harm.
5. The predator. This is about sex gratification, control, and violence. The stalker doesn't necessarily know the victim. The victim may not know she is being stalked. But a predator plans their attack, rehearses it, has lots of sexual fantasies about it.

The rejected and predatory stalkers are most likely to assault their victims

The Person Least Likely
You would never guess all this while dating the person, "They wear a mask of charm. They're the kindest, nicest people. You wouldn't know what's really going on. You only become aware when clues of their behavior show up -- when your email provider locks you out because you've logged your password incorrectly too many times, for example."

In many scenarios, the stalking begins as a relationship is ending -- a divorce or breakup. One partner becomes obsessed, convinced that this is their ideal partner. The stalker may believe that the victim is in love with him or her. "The stalker is usually an isolated and shy person, one who lives alone, lacks any type of important intimate relationship -- not just sexual, but friends or family, too. There's also a narcissistic personality disorder and very low self-esteem. The stalker feels that they're the most important person in the world." Many people stalk someone they have only met briefly -- someone they don't really know, or barely know.

Stalkers write countless letters or emails to their victims, begging for attention. They make repeated phone calls, send gifts, flowers, candies, cards. They secretly follow the victim, either by car or in an insidious way -- by getting access to the victim's email. Many people use the same password for many things -- the ATM, various email accounts, and web sites. Stalkers are often smart enough figure that out and use it to get into email. They even get into the victim's bank

When to Be Concerned
The red flags:
*You immediately start getting several phone calls or emails right after meeting this person.
8The person is clingy, controlling, or upset if you want to spend time with friends and family.

By rejecting that person, there is a chance of violence. If you reject that person, often times they feel angry, threatened. There is the possibility of violence.

Take action:
*Tell everyone you know that this is going on -- your employer, friends, family.
*Gently but firmly tell the person you've decided to move on. Don't get drawn into discussions of why. Just say, "This situation isn't right for me" or "I'm not ready yet" -- whatever you need to say, but say it gently.

If this doesn't work, you may need to take legal action. File a police report, file a restraining order, change your email and ATM passwords. Their fantasy is that you love them. You really need to be on the offensive. There's no harm in changing passwords. Never, ever underestimate a threat. Don't take it lightly, even if it's in an email. Take it to the authorities. Ignore it at your own peril. It will only get worse.

The "obsessive love wheel" -- the various stages of a relationship obsession:
* The attraction phase
* The anxious phase, when the controlling behaviors show themselves
* The obsessive phase, where stalking takes place
* The destructive phase

Unless a stalker wants to change, you can't stop them. They will only change when their world around them starts crashing around them.

Equally disturbing: Law enforcement officials often don't act on reports of stalking although they're more understanding now than they used to be.

Here's something else to consider: Are you a stalker? If you see this obsessive pattern in yourself, see a therapist or join a support group like Co-Dependents Anonymous. A lot of times, stalkers have addiction issues. They may be drinking or doing drugs. It's important for them to reach out. But they also have to reach in -- admit something is going on, get to a therapist or support group so they don't feel all alone.



8.01.2004

Thwarted by Toasters


Last nights attempts to take over the world were unsuccessful... unfortunately I feel asleep and all the waffles burned...