Letter to a Bank

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough
to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber
last month. By my calculations, three seconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years. You are to
be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you,
I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded
faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

Press buttons as follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.- To transferthe call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.
8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if
ever-so-slightly less prosperous day,

Your Humble Client

Judy Gina Starr
Account Executive MRI Sales Consultants of San Antonio
8626 Tesoro Drive, Suite 515 San Antonio, TX 78217