The One Where I *Almost* Pulled Off a Minor Miracle

The Doggo Whodunit? + Bonus Pupper Mystery Edition

Last night I served 4 portions of dog food to three dogs. 1 purposed to a pupper on one end of the house in the Master bathroom. 3 portions served in the laundry room where the two doggos traditionally eat their dinner. Your goal: Determine who ate the extra portion in the laundry room?

The Timeline and Scene of the Crime: Before letting all three suspects back into the house from a romp around the backyard, I served 3 portions of food in the standard locations. 1/2 portion in the Master bathroom room and 2 full portions in the laundry room. Upon entry, all suspects went immediately to their designated areas, they know what time it is. I witnessed Suspect Baby Shepherd eating her 1/2 portion while I took a quick bath. I thought I had closed the door to the bedroom, leaving Suspect Basset and Suspect Husky to eat their portions in peace; however, that was revealed later to not be the case. She may have exited the bathroom and gone to the laundry room but it would have been brief visits as she was not gone for very long and her initial departure was well into the time Suspect Basset and Suspect Husky would have had to eat. Reasonable assumption, they would have already been done by then. Upon completion of the bath, I heard Suspect Basset whining loudly and consistently which is not entirely abnormal but he is usually satisfied and quiet for some time post-dinner. This is in fact, what tipped me off that something was awry. I found Suspect Husky hovering over the dual feeding device in which his designated bowl was empty; however, Suspect Basset’s bowl was full. One bowl had been eaten entirely and the other left alone. I pulled Suspect Husky away from Suspect Basset’s bowl and Suspect Basset immediately stopped crying, waddled over and initiated consuming his designated kibbles. I refilled Suspect Husky’s bowl and he also initiated consuming his designated kibbles. Suspect Baby Shepherd was fed her second 1/2 portion again in the Master bathroom. 

Here’s some witness/character statements and facts to help you determine who you believe the guilty party is:

Suspect Baby Shepherd: has not learned the art of patiently eating, which is why she is fed 1/2 portion in a time-consuming manner (sprinkled everywhere so she has to eat connect-the-dots style). She is a foodie and given opportunity, would absolutely devour all three portions if left unattended. Her indiscretion is actually why she may be innocent. She certainly would not have eaten just ONE of the bowls of food out of the dual feeding device unless given the opportunity and yet one portion was left neatly untouched. Regardless she certainly had a motive and she was given opportunity because the door was not properly secured. 

Suspect Basset: eats anything that might have been food at some point. Eat first, ask questions later. This is the 1st law of Basset. This is only negated by the 2nd law of Basset, which is eat what is within reach first. He may be heavy but he wouldn’t be able to bully around another beast of formidable size to get to THEIR food. The heavy and persistent whine traditionally made when “it’s almost dinner time but not quite yet” was aforementioned, apparent and in full-effect. This would lead me to reasonably conclude that he had not eaten yet. Also, it was not his bowl that was empty as Suspect Basset and Suspect Husky have established dominance over “their” bowls. Suspect Basset to the left and Suspect Husky to the right. But you have to keep 1st rule of Basset in the back of the mind and given the opportunity would absolutely have been motivated. Eating is literally the only thing they are motivated to do.

Suspect Husky: is a bit picky and eats according to his whim and thus, does not always eat at “eating time”. Nor does he always eat his full portion as picking up a half-eaten bowl of food after he’s had ample opportunity is not uncommon. In fact, after refilling his bowl the second time, he left 1/2 of the 2nd serving there. This does not stand out as extraordinary. Still, he has always been known to stand guard over his bowl when he is just “not quite ready” to eat. It’s the classic “Well, I’m not going to eat it, but I’m not going to let you eat it either” defense. So again, he was found guarding a bowl of food, just not HIS bowl of food, since it was empty. Did he divert from his traditional Mode of Operation and actually allow one of the other two to eat it at then pout about it or did he not finish the 2nd portion because he was already full? hmmmmmmmmmm

Suspect Kitteh: entirely innocent, caught on camera asleep the entire time.

Why does any of this matter? Why did I, at the time, NEED to figure out this caper? I needed to know which Suspect was going need an extended stay in the backyard least my foot meet OHMYGODWHATTHEBLEEPDIDIJUSTSTEPIN in the middle of the night because someone excitedly and literally gobbled up more than they bothered to chew. 🙅🏼‍♀️🤢

Tax Day!

April 15th is a convenient annual reminder to keep tabs on your financial future. So, if you are not one of the countless individuals frantically clicking through -Tax software of choice- today, then perhaps you could use Tax Day to remember to do something else that's very important.... pulling your credit report.

Each of the three credit bureaus are required by law to give you a free credit report once a year. All three are quickly and easily accessible via AnnualCreditReport.com. The three reporting agencies are TransUnion, Equifax and Experian.

A credit report is a detailed history of an individuals responsibility in repayment of debts. This information is used to by lenders to determine your creditworthiness or predict the likelihood of future delinquency and determines how much you can borrow and at what percentage rate. A credit report/score may also be used in non-traditional ways such as a potential employer finding out how responsible you are, or if you might be in a financial hole and thus, likely to commit theft or fraud. 

Debts are classified as either revolving debt, installment debt or open debt. Reported data includes bank loans, mortgages, credit cards, collection agencies and utility companies. Installment debts are typically fixed payments for a fixed period of time, such as a mortgage. A credit card is an example of a revolving debt. Open debts must be paid in full each month, such as your electric bill.

Along with your payment history on each account, your report will contain information such as; how old each account is (older open accounts in good standing are positive), account diversity (having different types of debt in good standing shows that you have the ability to manage them well), and credit inquiries (who's been taking a peek at your files). 

You will need to look for suspicious accounts and suspicious inquiries. In keeping check with your report, YOU become the biggest factor in finding and stopping identity theft.  

Each report may have slightly varying information, so I usually pull all three and compare them to each other for accuracy. You do not HAVE to pull all three at the same time though. You can choose to spread the three out and pull one every 4 months. This tactic may be helpful if you know you may be in the process of buying a new home or vehicle or may need to take a personal loan, later on in the year. 

Please remember that a credit report is not the same as a credit score. Your credit score is based on the detailed history contained in your report. Lending agencies will not have access to your full report so they determine your creditworthiness using your score. There are many models to create a credit score, but all will give you a general idea of where you stand. During the process on AnnualCreditReport.com, you will have the option to purchase your credit score from each bureau (usually $7-8 each). This is not something you HAVE to do. For those of you that have a credit card, many of the credit card companies now offer this as a free service from one of the reporting bureaus or your FICO score. CreditKarma.com is a FREE service that provides your score by Equifax and TransUnion. Either option can be accessed at any time online. Credit Karmas score updates every 7 days. A score offered through a credit card is likely updated once a month. 

Again, both AnnualCreditReport.com and CreditKarma.com are free and VERY easy to use. 

In addition, Quizzle.com offers a free Equifax report every six months. Credit Sesame is a freemium site that offers your Experian score, is updated monthly, and recently started providing users with up to free identity theft insurance up to $50,000 (covers expenses incurred in restoring your identity, not expenses that result from the identity being stolen). I have not used either of these services yet, so I can not attest to their ease of use. 

Lastly, don't be discouraged if you find your report and score to be in the "very poor" or "poor" categories. Repairing a credit report is not a quick process (closed or negative accounts may remain on your report as much as 10 years or more), but it does not take much effort to learn ways to improve it. You've already taken the first step in repairing it by simply inquiring.

The One Where the Planet Saves Itself

My family lived on a magnificently beautiful and thriving planet. Our home overlooked a bay near the ocean. Across the bay was a beautiful waterfall like Angel Falls surrounded by lush tropical forest and white sand beaches. This planet was perfect, with one exception, a planetary event that happened every 1000 years when it reached a particular spot in its orbit. It was not a purely scientific event, it was not purely mythological, it was a strange combination of the two. There was a great unknown of what The Event would bring since no one survived the last one and it was pure speculation.

Generations past did not worry, they would never see the day of its occurrence but my generation certainly would. The Event would come suddenly and without warning. The planet knew it was time and had started to change itself. Things evolved quickly in preparation. All wildlife adapted to be smaller, closer to the ground, but mobile on land and sea. Most people had highly sophisticated personal chambers capable of withstanding extreme temperatures and sustain life, to stow away in, provided they could get to theirs in time. Most of them were coded only to allow specific individuals inside, to prevent hijacking. 

I was helping my family sort through my grandmothers things when The Event started. The earth shifted and very quickly there were no mountains or valleys. Imagine the destruction that comes when the entire earth levels itself into flatlands. Buildings were swallowed, families were instantly separated, it was mass chaos. It seemed almost impossible to try and find my families chambers but we had to try.

The atmosphere became fire with what I can only describe as a mass of solar flares. Everything but a few feet above the ground was set ablaze. Common sense along with instinct kicked in and I yelled at my family to lay with their faces to the ground. An enourmous stampeding herd of tiny deer covered us, they had developed equally tiny atmospheric bubbles to help them survive and that in turn, helped us escape the heat.

Once the heat passed the earth shifted again and water started pouring in from all directions. Massive waves made it hard to stay together but we managed. The water brought in a mythical group of seafaring invaders and conquerors armed with the intent to kill. Luckily we had brought some tools to do repairs at my grandmothers house and we were able to fight back with hammer, saws, lopers and such. Others were not so lucky and became easy targets while we escaped.

We reached our chambers but a few had been damaged and would not have enough oxygen for all of us for what we anticipated to be the duration of The Event. We decided some would stay inside and others, the younger and healthiest of us, would try to take turns in one of the undamaged chambers. Once the waters subsided they were quickly replaced by a bitter cold and the world became a snow storm. We once lived in a tropical paradise and there was no need for a pair of thick socks, much less a coat. The family of snow leopards nearby had two choices... Snuggle up and help keep us warm or become fur blankets. They wisely chose the latter.

The planet continued to rotate through a variety of natural disasters, lightening storms, tornadoes, volcanos, each one lasting a few hours apiece. We managed to find a way to survive through each one until it was certain The Event was over. Everyone came out of their chambers and surveyed the damage incurred, grateful to have fared much better than the planets inhabitants 1000 years ago. We started immediately to rebuild our lives, after all, we would never see this again in our lifetimes, or so we thought. I could see the sun rising on the horizon and there was a pervading feeling of hope. I started to wake up in the comfort of a happy ending...  wait, that's not the sun. I'm halfway between being asleep and awake and realizing The Event was designed to restart the planet and none of mankind's invention could stay it's purpose, which it would see through until complete. It's too late... the sky of solar flares rushed upon us all. I am awake.

The One With the Terribly Corny Punchline

Last night, my best friend, actor Paul Rudd, was abducted and was going to be sacrificed at some crazy Manson Family/KKK/Burning Man rally. They had him and several others tied to lawn chairs. I sneaked in to untie him (which was surprisingly difficult considering the facts... I didn't know the secret hand motions and dance moves) and next thing I hear, comedian Lamorne Morris (Winston from New Girl) being introduced onstage. Those psychotic racists were laughing their butts off... You understand how any of this is entirely impossible. Anywho, they busted me, not before I got Paul loose, so the chase was on. It wasn't much of a chase... turns out, they can't run...

they can only march!

*sigh* even my dreams tell me stupid jokes

The One Where Nothing Makes Sense... But It Still Does

Last night I was working at a fast food place, my roll was more corporate but disaster struck (someone placed an order in drive-thru) and I was asked to make two hot dogs. I hate hot dogs. I don't know how to dress them. So they sat there ominously on the buns while I had a meltdown and eventually quit. Then I traveled all over a fictitious world with Joseph Simon in search of the perfect Taco Bell. We were hungry so instead of going to the new location across the bridge, we decided to try the downtown one. We chose poorly. Because there was no Taco Bell downtown, just a dilapidated city center with a broken fountain. Then I went to Church with Debbie Coleman and Shaq was there. As the sermon started a scanner robot burst into the room and scanned us. It happened so fast nobody knew what was happening. Then a bomb went off and most people were instantly vaporized. I survived but sadly realized that my husband was part of an evil scheme to kill people and then make money by selling their loved ones 3-D prints of their faces, hence the scanner and then the vaporizing bomb. That's actually kinda brilliant. Create the demand and then meet the demand. Anywho, I escaped the henchmen that were killing survivors by turning into a bird and flying through a broken window but DRAT, they were prepared for that. There was a net over the whole city. So I flew to the tallest tree to hide but they sent the MUTOs after me (the creatures in 2014 Godzilla that Godzilla battled). The MUTOs tore a hole in the net and myself and Shaq the pterodactyl were flying to freedom when the recycling truck drove by my house with their squeaky truck and woke me up.

The One Where I Posted an Online Ad

The Craigslist ad I posted in my dream last night:

CAT POOP TREATS

Turd nuggets delivered fresh weekly for your canine pal. Sizes are small and large. $5 per bag, payable in advance monthly.

As I hit upload, I was able to observe 4 separate scenes. 

The first scene was an elderly gentleman browsing the internet with a brown overly-excited short-haired dachshund in his lap. This pup clearly knew what he was getting for Christmas and he was PUMPED UP about it. 

The second scene was my two cats, a small one and a large one and they were looking at me with a great deal of disdain... "We find this disturbing and unacceptable."

The third scene was a Craigslist auditor in charge of reviewing ads of questionable content. "Welp... It's disgusting... but it's not against the TOS."

And the forth scene was the saddest face of my basset hound. I was selling HIS snacks. How could I betray him?!?!

I woke up when my husband kissed me goodbye as he was headed off to work. I immediately burst into a fit of giggles and after I explained what was so funny, he started digging around to find "the crack I must have been smoking."

The One About Sharks, Shipwrecks and a Sold-Out Superdome

I was on a cruise ship traveling near Panama. George Clooney and Brad Pitt were directing a B-movie about shark monsters (thanks Sy-fy Channel). I was cast as a victim and my scene was being shot in one of the swimming pools, despite being surrounded by the vastness of the Caribbean Sea. In order to be viciously eaten, I had to essentially dive into an immobile rubber sharks mouth. So basically my death amounted to a poor decision on where to launch myself towards water. 

During our voyage, the world was going into a post apocalyptic and heavily militarized state (reason unknown). The ship was wrecked and I was separated from my friends and family. I took shelter with a family in the countryside for a short time to recover and then journeyed through varying terrains, heading north towards the states. Traveling was dangerous. I was almost shot trying to retrieve a watermelon after curfew. 

When I finally reached home, I had been gone many years and presumed dead. Every time I was reunited with a family member or friend I think I could feel myself physically hyperventilating it was so emotional. It felt like the video of that dog that worked itself up so much while greeting it's owner, it actually passed out. (Included below)

I was the front-woman to a highly successful rock band (complete with a full orchestra) and my disappearance caused quite the conundrum. The label decided they needed to keep the money machine churning and they had managed to find someone who looked similar to "perform" at concerts. In order to prevent someone not close to the situation from figuring out the ruse, they turned my alter-ego into a recluse. Irrevocably damaged by being "attacked by a shark while I was floating in the sea". Now the cat was out of the bag and my management very quickly set up had a massive concert at the Super Dome to celebrate my return. 

I hadn't even had a shower yet when I got pushed out in front of 200,000 people, but I performed brilliantly along with my double. The house lights came up with the sunrise.

Dissection of a Brilliant April Fools Day Joke

STEP ONE: IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO BE INSPIRED AND IDENTIFY YOUR VICTIM

A few months ago, I went through a local automated car wash around sunrise and was inspired to snap a few photos as the water rushed over my car followed by the various rounds of cleaning products. I was surprised how most of them turned out very reminiscent of spatial entities. I immediately thought of my dad and his deep interest in everything space related. He regularly stargazes and always has the 411 on what's going on in the universe.

It was almost instant that I thought maybe I could pull a fast one and convince him that these were photos of a new-found galaxy. A wildly vibrant unexplored territory of our vast universe. As we now have satellites that have physically reached beyond the rings of Saturn, it was a completely feasible idea.

Now remembering that April Fool's Day is approaching isn't typical of me and I often fall victim to/suffer the consequences of having such a poor recollection of the arrival of this mischievous day. My dad and older brother have always taken great joy in participating in the days antics and since I naturally lean towards being a bit gullible, I have been their perfect target for a fair share of my life.

Nope. Not this year. I remembered and it's payback time. I told myself "Self, we need to develop this idea. It has great potential."

STEP TWO: PLOTTING

I started with the photographs. After some minor tweaking, I turned the very identifiable foamy yellows, blues and pinks into something more vibrant and otherworldly, possibly creations of elements and gases that we haven't even identified yet! I'm pretty sure I can spot an alien (or maybe that's a lovebug).

Image 1A and 1B

Image 2A and 2B

Image 3A and 3B

Image 4A and 4B

Now, the big question. How was I going to present these images? It has to be believable. OH, I know... I could make an "official" news website with a fake article on the "new discovery". We regularly email each other links to pages with interesting news, that wouldn't be suspicious. Nah.... he wouldn't fall for that, the URL would give it away. It has to be actually official, maybe from a site he frequents.

I can't alter an official page... or can I *grin*. Thankfully, we have such things as smart emails these days. Want to email an entire web page? You most certainly can... and you can edit it beforehand. Now I just need to find the perfect article to alter.

Finding that was MUCH easier than I thought it would be. THANKS GOOGLE!

"NASA's Swift Satellite Images a Galaxy Ablaze with Starbirth"
http://www.nasa.gov/centers/goddard/news/topstory/2008/m33.html

This article is about the Triangulum Galaxy (M33) which has been known for quite some time, so I know my dad would know about it and possibly have seen photos of it, MAYBE even looked at it through his telescope BUT this article has a twist to it. What does that galaxy look like when images are taken with ultraviolet light, rather than visible light? He can't see THAT through his telescope. Any images I switch would be believable. ZOMG IT'S PERFECT!!!

Here's the actual photo of M33 as seen in ultraviolet light. It's actually quite beautiful. 

STEP THREE: FABRICATION OF SHENANIGANS

It's April Fool's Eve so its time to put the pieces together.

1. Create the email via the browsers "Share" command. It automatically loads the webpage as it originally seen into a smart email.

2. Switch out the photographs, easy enough.

3. Change a few dates to make it seem like it's recent news. Maybe not too new... that would be suspicious after all, I'm not as on top of the space news as he is.

4. Remove any working links so he can't click to the real article.

5. MOST IMPORTANTLY. TEST. TEST. TEST.

I know he uses a particular email client so how will this look when he opens it so I sent it to myself with the same email client to make sure everything opens as it should. Tweaked it. Tested it again.
ZOMG IT'S PERFECT AND THERE'S A NASA LOGO AT THE TOP!

6. Call upon one of my most trustworthy minions, Mom. Tell her to make sure he reads his email first thing in the morning before he realizes what day it is.

STEP FOUR: LAUNCH 

"Re: Check out how cool this new discovered galaxy looks! Psychedelic!!! NASA's Swift Satellite Images a Galaxy Ablaze With Starbirth"

STEP FIVE: HAVE PATIENCE

*check email* nothing

*check email* nothing

*check email* nothing

*DING* You have mail!

"I can see that galaxy through my telescope. It is a VERY faint greenish grey patch of light; nothing like this. Very nice photos.

Dad"

STEP SIX: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have FINALLY done it. I have FINALLY gotten my dad on April Fool's Day. You have no idea how delighted I am. *does a little dance*

"So you liked those pictures I emailed you? The article forgot to mention that the satellite that took those photos was launched from the SS Corolla as it rolled through the Boggies Bubbles quadrant."

His response was "I clicked on the link and got a virus on my Mac.... thanks".

Which, is entirely not possible btw. Sounds like deflection of defeat to me!

STEP SEVEN: AVOID BECOMING THE FOOL

From this point forward I know anything he says is not true. 

STEP EIGHT: DECLARE YOURSELF THE WINNER

Wear a party hat. Celebrate with a victory drink of choice. Be sure to smirk a little bit and don't forget to rub it in just a tiny bit (be careful not to over do it!). 

STEP NINE: DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR BROTHER

He surprisingly fell for the ole *insert valuable and well-liked Saints player here* is getting traded trick. Of course it really helps when someone has already made a believable webpage for you. *wink*

I'm definitely going to have to be on my tippy toes next year. 

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I came home from work and started getting ready to settle down for a quiet evening alone. I raided the pantry and decided to snack upon some Tabasco flavored Cheese-It's. Since I was digging around in the cracker area in the pantry, I realized we had two boxes of Saltines crackers. Having recently bought the new box of crackers and crackers not being something we eat frequently around our house, I knew the old box would be pretty full and fairly stale. So, I took the old box out the pantry and divided the remaining three sleeves, putting the crackers on the upside down frisbees I use as plates for our two dogs. I intended to put dog food on top but was sidetracked by another task, leaving the frisbees on the counter. Shortly thereafter, my husband stopped by to pick up some items for an evening hunt with a work buddy. He couldn't find an item and I guess the stop was taking a little longer, so his buddy came into the house just to see what was up. I froze in panic because as I was expecting to be alone for the evening, I was already "comfortably dressed" and I was too busy hoping a couch pillow and a Cheese-It's box would adequately cover how comfortable I was, to make much effort to have a conversation. I kept staring at the tv and it was only a few minutes until they were gone again. 

A couple hours goes by and my husband comes home for the night and we're talking about our days when he sees the Cheese-Its box abandoned on the coffee table and he says "Bob* said those were really stale crackers and we should throw them away."

I'm sure right about now you can imagine the expression of my face morphing "whaaaa? These crackers are perfectly fineoooohhhhhmygooooodddd he ate the dog crackers off the dog hair covered frisbee on the counter!!"

When my husband realized what happened, he said "I was wondering what the heck he was talking about when he said the crackers we had out on platters." and we both couldn't help but find tragically enormous amounts of humor in the unfortunate situation. We died laughing. 

I said, "you have to tell him!! I can't have someone thinking I serve terribly stale crackers to dinner guest I am obviously not having over since I was home alone!" My husband disagrees, thinking it's better off that his coworker never knows the truth. What would you do?

Sincerely,

Conflicted in Central

*names have been changed to protect the innocent victims. Also, I won't be serving cheese and crackers again anytime soon and THIS WAS NOT A DREAM. 

"When the Rain Comes"

Sometimes truly tragic things happen and you invariably ask yourself the question "Why?" Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. For some the question is "Why would God allow this to happen?" or one step further into questioning the existence of God altogether because a loving God that existed wouldn't allow it. It's easy to fall into the trap of being mad at the Universe or God. Rational thought concludes that awful things happen to incredible people and rotten people all the same without prejudice, with or without the existence of a God. 

Nonetheless you will likely find yourself bitter and angry with whoever or whatever.

The truth is being a decent human being makes one no less prepared to handle such events. It doesn't make the emotions easier to handle. It doesn't make the pain any less unimaginable. BUT. Those who love do not go unloved. Those who have shown kindness will receive kindness. Those who have reached out to someone hurting will find themselves with a long line of family and friends that are willing to sacrifice anything to take their pain away. It doesn't dissolve the hardships life brings but I find myself less bitter knowing that those good people are being taken care of In their time of need as they have done to others. 

I did find myself angry and asking the "why" question on my way home from work when I learned a good man, his wife and family suddenly lost what I'm sure was their entire world. After working through my heartbreak for them, I have since found some peace knowing that they are most assuredly feeling love and support from every direction imaginable. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. 

http://www.gofundme.com/75xbno

The Cat and The Crane Fly

"Bugs are eaten in your sleep." 

It's for the most part considered folklore or just highly improbable. That's not to say it couldn't happen, a heavy sleeper could experience just about anything including eating a bug but maybe just maybe, simply twisting the words to change the senario makes the statement entirely true. You are sleeping and indeed a bug gets eaten, just not by you.

In this case, a crane fly. The victim, my husband.*

My husband was snoring his butt off when the fly in question landed on his stomach and the 20lb killer furball laying in my lap saw it first.

I was unaware of the unfolding drama until mini-tiger immediately went into the pounce position and made THAT sound. If you have pets and know them well, then you know what sound your pet makes when it sees something it wants to kill and/or eat. A predator follows a simple rule, 'never take your eyes off your prey. Focus.' so figuring out where to look was not hard. When I saw the fly, my husbands life flashed before my eyes.

I took quick action to keep the beast at bay, at least for the time being. In those brief moments shoulder devil and angel made an appearance...

"He's snoring so loudly, you'll never be able to go to sleep. You've already asked him
three times to turn over to his side... Maybe this is just the jolt he needs..." 

"It's only because he's so very tired, how would you feel
if you were claw/mauled while sleeping?"

"Mangle! Murder! Mayhem!"

"He'll live and no doubt go back to sleep, maybe you will even fall asleep first... just let it happen... pain is temporary but being well rested can last the whole day!"

"Think about how grateful he will be when you tell him how you saved him while he slept.
It's incredibly thoughtful. Maybe he'll do something special for you in return."

"You're not letting me go. IT'S GONNA GET AWAY."

"SLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP... PRECIOUS SLEEEEEEPPP"

"You love him and he loves you. You shouldn't hurt the ones you love."

"I hate you"

At this time, I would like credit for saving my husband from becoming collateral damage/getting incidentally disemboweled while he was sleeping. I held fast and as the fly took off, I got the dirtiest look mixed with disappointment while the snoring continued undisturbed. I sent my husband a message that he would read upon waking up, briefly telling him how I saved his life and that he owes the cat a bug-hunting expedition, something they do together from time to time (yes, for real). As for me, well... I dreamed weird dreams as usual but the kiss I got on the forehead this morning before he left for work seemed extra special.

* No bugs or husbands were harmed in the telling of this story.

The One About a Post-Wedding-Wedding

I was a bridesmaid in a friends wedding last year. Besides the threat of thunderstorms, the sweltering humidity and some moments/actions that truly left me scratching my head, it was quite a lovely event. The bride was beautiful, the groom handsome, they said "I do" and everyone lived.

While my dream did not start as anything relating to a wedding, it certainly ended with one. I remember at the beginning, vacationing at a beach resort. The technicolored days were spent splashing in waves and riding sea turtles. I remember being disappointed about not being able to go down the whirly-twirly water slide and although a reason was not given, I'm *sarcasm alert* SUUUUUUURE it was a logical one.

Each time I physically wake up and go back to sleep, there's always the chance the dream will pick up right where it left of but sometimes it takes a twist. The twist here was now I was vacationing at a beach resort in asian metropolis. Same thing, but now the entire night sky was lit up with brilliantly lit flashing displays and advertisements. Tired of turtle riding and wave hopping, I decided to explore the area. It seemed a pretty popular destination was an old lighthouse and museum that had been remodeled and turned into a hot spot for people looking to party. I was drawn to it like a kid to a foam filled bounce house.

ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. ALL KINDS OF PARTIES. As I moved from room to room, the feel of things changed dramatically. There was ravers, the couch potato stoners, a room where it was high tea and crumpets, beer infused frat displays of masculinity, the cling of champagne glasses by spinning formal gowns and tuxes... then finally I came to a bi-level room, the top room with rows of ornate chairs and an aisle with a stage just before the railing, below a crowd of college kids having a good time.

This is where the wedding was to be. The guest were arriving, I was in my navy gown and suddenly there were triple the bridesmaids than were originally slated. The bouquets were in hand, the sun was shining through the big bay windows at the back but the groom was glued to the wall along the side like he was a late arrival to an overcrowded event. He wouldn't budge, instead choosing to participate from afar. The bride was a stunning vision of white and sparkly things as she walked down the aisle, but she was unfortunately quickly recognized by a drunken slosh from the party below. We all stood amazed as the co-ed in the skin tight black and blue color block dress climbed with bare feet over the railing, defying the laws of gravity, to grab the bride with the intent to drag her to party below. Clearly, she wasn't comprehending that there was something pretty significant the bride was involved with at the time but luckily, bridesmaids were able to grab hold of the brides dress to keep her from tumbling over the railing.

So the wedding continued with the bride at the alter and the groom content to yell his vows from his position as a wall-flower when near the end, the party below transformed into a perfectly timed swaying southern gospel choir in magnificent robes. As they broke out in song, I grabbed the mic and the dream ended with a show stopping performance of "Oh Holy Night". - 4:57am

The One About Quark Chiclets

Let me set this dream story up by saying in real life, I keep running into individuals/organizations that are using Microsoft Publisher for their design, the 97 edition. *sigh* Any graphic designer understands that sigh.


So, I started a new job at a mega campus where they made disposable shoes. I had no shoes of my own and it being the first day, how could I go to work for a shoe company with no shoes. I selected a pair of plum low-heeled pumps out of the vending machine.


The megaplex was so large, it took me hours to find where I was supposed to go and along my journey, I broke a heel. Of course. I mean they are supposed to be disposable but still. When I arrived to the area the designers were holed up in, I stood in the doorway like a cow stubbornly refusing to get loaded onto the meat wagon. It was a dank 10x8 room with prison windows along the top with about 12 designers crammed like sardines. The room had the same exact feel as the break room from my very first job when I was 16, McDonalds. It was depressing to spend 30 minutes of my day in that room back then.


There was a desk/bar that ran along each wall of the room and each designer had a SINGLE monitor from the 80's, all different models, shapes and sizes. If you stood in the center of the room you could see everything on everyone's screen (which to me is a creative nightmare). I could see pixels the size of Chiclets Chewing Gum. THEY DID EVERYTHING IN QUARK and some program called Pixelator, which may or may not actually be a program. In this world, vectors did not exist!!!!

I didn't even sit down at my station. I did what everyone does in this position in a dream. I hunted down the CEO, determined he was single (apparently so was I) and sweet talked my way into individual offices with top notch equipment and NO MORE QUARK! We were in the middle of a lovely dinner when I woke up. A designer's gotta do what a designers gotta do.

The One About a Hideous Kate Hudson vs Lord Waldermart

Last night I dreamed I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. After I checked out, I caught Kate Hudson in the parking lot ripping parts off my husbands truck. It was very clear that she wasn't in the right frame of mind with her wild hair and incredibleamounts of eyeliner and mascara running down her cheeks, mumbling about how Kate Upton is a worthless two-bit tramp. So I did what any logical person would do in a dream, I threatened to stab her with the only thing I had, a chopstick, if she didn't stop. Of course she didn't stop, she didn't even look up. She was completely undistracted from her criminal activities. So, I stabbed her with a chopstick.

That's when she went to snarling beast mode... a hideous daemon-possessed monster, climbing up walls like a spider.

I barely escaped the rage of the crazed starlet and ran back into the store, taking shelter in the stockroom, surrounded by mountains of undistributed products I couldn't find on the shelves earlier. I quickly stuffed a jar of Cajun Injector Creole Butter in my pocket and called the police. 

Meanwhile, the Tasmanian devil outside pulled a machine gun out of her kangaroo pouch and proceeded to destroy the Walmart*, much like we all need to admit we want to do when there's 30 registers and only 4 cashiers to run them. Then I woke up. 

Moral of the story is, Walmart must be destroyed, Kate Hudson probably has some deeply hidden underlying issues and my subconscious arms me with only a single wooden chopstick. Thanks a lot Subconscious. 

*no Walmart employees (or hapless customers for that matter) were harmed in the making of this delusion.

The One About Pandas and Penguins

I'm going to start posting my dreams more often because seriously, you people shouldn't miss out.

Last night I was with my friend Adriana at her parents house celebrating the 4th. I believe they live in Phoenix but in my subconscious they live in a house, way out in the middle of the desert, completely by themselves. Her entire family is there and apparently they all drive late model Cadillacs. There were 95 of them, by my count, all parked along the deserted road.

We were all just sitting around after a huge lunch, some Secret Service agents busted through the door and started confiscating all her stuffed Pandas. She was very upset, crying on the floor. Her pandas are a huge deal to her. So, I grabbed a large kitchen knife and started to jab at them but every time the knife just slipped through. Not like they were ghost, more like they were from the Matrix.

I got so frustrated that I couldn't hurt the dirty thieves that I woke myself up from the dream altogether. It was taking a while to fall back asleep so I checked into a few social networks. I saw this photo

of my friend winning a giant stuffed penguin at an amusement park in Ohio. Little did I know that when I would finally fall back asleep hours later, that I would start dreaming the same exact dream.

Out in the desert. 95 Cadillacs. Secret Service agents.

Except this time. It was penguins. Of course.

New Artwork for Sale

I've decided to start selling some artwork. Most of you know, that's not something I do... ever... because I usually only create things because I want to and/or to gift to a friend or loved one, but every wall in my home has something on it and my office closet is full. So I will start with the big piece taking up the space on my easel. It is 4ft x 3ft oil on stretched canvas. It has painted edges so it can be hung as-is or framed. This piece will still need to be varnished about 9 months from now as oils need 9 months to a year to cure enough for varnishing. I've also uploaded some close ups to show more accurate color. If you are not local, please be aware that it WILL need to be varnished, both for protection and to achieve even gloss. Some framing shops offer this service; however, if you are local I will do it for you. I am asking $800. Contact me if you are interested.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/angelsutiger/9209113379/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/angelsutiger/9211895942/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/angelsutiger/9211894682/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/angelsutiger/9209112391/

 

 

My Year in Review

Fireworks!
Witness the Saints win their first NFC championship.
The Saints win Superbowl XLIV. Celebrate LOMBARDIGRAS!
Tim and Melanie visit. iPhones don't float but flip flops do.
After 10 years of being blonde, I went brunette.
Quit job that was making me miserable and question my self-worth.
Lost one "friend", made new ones worth his weight in gold.
Part-time "Weeeeeeeeeeee"er. Full-time friend.
Rescued a small island nation from a Penguin Invasion, became epic Twitter topic trend.
"You're over-qualified." Mental Note: Delete degree off of resume.
If a tree limb falls and no one is around to hear it, will it still put a hole in your roof Yes.
New job YAY! Actually, SUPERYAY!
My 28th Birthday, Chad's serious fail of the year.
Our house = A ZOO
Yeap. My grass is burnt crispy. I can has some rain?
Work, Football, Family and Friends (Repeat August - December).
Who's the best Snookimonster EVER? Me of course.
Les Miles, he seriously ate grass. Quit munchin and get me an offense please!
Chad needs surgery, I need sleep.
Not a single Hurricane this season.
BOOMSHAKALAKALAKA IN YO FACE!
I pass my annual, "Can she still not cook?" test with flying colors.
I am Blessed and I am a Blessing.
Tis the Season, to Kick a Penguin.
Have a Happy New Year :)

When Craigslisting Goes Bad

I'm now an official Craigslister. A Craigslister is not only someone who occasionally reads the posts for humor or a good deal, but crosses the line of observing to the other side and actually contributes. In doing so, I've brought upon me a very interesting and very long story. It's a good story and a bad story... and a story that will make you shake your head; however, it's a story worth reading. It highlights my inability to tolerate the inept and my impishness when the inept provide the opportunity.

The subject: Can a college student be a good potential pet owner, if they can't even afford anything but a "small adoption fee"? I can understand the plight of the college student, able to afford the daily care of an animal and provide adequately in the event of emergencies; however, not willing to pay an outrageous adoption or breeders fee. The back and forth banter between those for the college student and those in opposition of the college student is inconclusive as there simply isn't enough information about her particular circumstances; however, I'm completely aware that even if she were able to provide, she might not be judged as so and therefore denied.

For those of you who are my friends, you're aware that my family is only 20% human. The rest is composed of 20% dog, 20% cat, 10% turtle and a full 30% ferrito. It's a miniature zoo and quite naturally, we've had a few encounters with the adoption organization world and are unfortunately aware that sometimes good homes are passed on by these agencies. We were one of them. Now, the issue at hand is nonsequential because we have all the animals we could possibly want and provide good care, so to seek further adoption would cause Chad to burst a few blood vessels. Still, I felt the need to weigh in on the topic and let this poor girl know that even if she does get turned down because of presumptions... she would NOT be alone.

Close friends and family are aware of the absurdity we encountered in trying to adopt; however, there are lot of you that are unaware of the events as they go back as far as being a sophmore in college (2001). My post will fill you in on a lot of what we went through. I warn you, if you're ADD (Katy) it's long but it is WORTH IT.



Pet Adoption Organizations are NUTS

After trying to officially adopt an animal for the 3rd time, I've given up trying to do "my part" inhelping area organizations. There's a reason why they're are so overcrowded... because apparently NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH to own a pet.

The first time is pretty simple, my then-fiance "boarded" his ferrets with an organization in Livingston parish due to living circumstances. He agreed to "re-adopt" them, including paying all the adoption fees in exchange for the care they were receiving. This was unfortunately, his only option. He was refused re-adoption because ONE door in the entire house had a 1/2 crack at the bottom between the door and the floor. After that was fixed, he re-interviewed and was refused the second time with no reason being given.
We had spent, well a LOT of money on those ferrets and they just kept them. That was real nice.

Now my husband and I own a $150,000 home on a VERY large lot in the country that's COMPLETELY fenced in (with the exact type of fence they require) in a very nice neighborhood. We make good money, he works for Exxon (contractor), I for an engineering company. He was raised on a farm lifestyle, I've had a multitude of animals in my home, all my life (dogs, fish, a bird, to tarantulas, sugar gliders and FINALLY a cat). Quite simply, we know animals.

We each had our own cat prior to buying our home, that were being well taken care of, spoiled if you will. We also had a turtle that was rescued from a crawfish boil the day I graduated from college (within a week of having this turtle I had spent easily over $400 on its care and terrarium). After buying our home, we decided to search for the right dog to adopt. So after a few months of looking, we found one on petfinder.com that was through the adoption agency that's always at PetSmart off of Seigan.
So we went that Saturday and took a look at her. When we started to fill out the questionaire, the lady was also asking us questions. We mentioned being able to let the dog (a husky-mix) run around in our very big yard for as long as she wishes because we have the proper fencing, she snatched our applications out of our hands and refused to talk to us any further. She just said, "THIS dog is NEVER supposed to stay outside." What... like... never ever??? After just standing there kind of confused... wait... so you have this dog that is meant to run, but should never be allowed to?!? How do you have a dog that stays inside %100 of the time... it's impossible. We just walked out, not really sure what had happened. I was devastated and he was just angry.

You have people wanting to pay your outrageous fees and give it a good home... and you say thanks but no thanks. Well, you're just crazy.

Shortly after this, my aunt became unable to take care of her german shepherd in the way she really wanted to and was looking for a home. She was so happy to hear that we were looking for a dog. So in less than a week, we privately adopted her dog. We had her vetted (she had heartworms) and got her settled in to our family. She's beautiful (pure white) and very active, so after having her for about a year... we decided to try and find her a good companion. Why not... we certainly could afford it... so we decide to try to go the adoption route for a dog a second time.

Worst experience EVER!

Once again we looked for about 6 months before we came across a beautiful rescued Husky that was in Lake Charles. So after contacting the organization, filling out and faxing six million forms, we were told this particular husky had some issues with being shy and was being sent up to Hogan's Husky Heros in Tennessee for "therapy". We really wanted the chance to adopt her so we kept in contact until we had a free weekend to actually drive the 3 hours to Lake Charles and see the dog. So we go to see the dog and we LOVE it. My husband LOVES it. We were willing to do whatever we needed to get the dog whatever help it needed. The lady that was helping us in Lake Charles was really nice and willing to help us out but the arrangements had already been made so off to Tennessee the dog goes.

YES WE WERE ACTUALLY WILLING TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO TENNESSEE TO PICK UP THIS DOG. And pay the fees, and wait for her "therapy" to be overwith, which we even offered to sponsor. So here we go again, new group, new application... I talk with the lady up there and get all my paperwork in.... and months go by, I try to contact her with NO ANSWER. I call the lady in Lake Charles and she also can't get ahold of the woman in Tennessee. Shortly after talking to her, I also start getting no answer from the woman in Lake Charles. My emails get no response, I'm very frustrated with the lack of communication. It has been over 6 months since we began this whole process (a year total looking for the right dog) and I'm being completely ignored.

Suspicious my calls were being screened, I call the "organization" using a friends phone that has a completely different area code and behold, the woman answers. I caught her so off guard that she just came up with the first lie she could think of... and you could TELL she was lying through her teeth.

She said she let her cat out into the yard and that particular dog killed it, so she wasn't going to allow any home with cats to adopt this dog. WHAT SELF-RESPECTING RESCUE ORGANIZATION just lets their cat out into a yard full of dogs that are in supposed "therapy"? Is that your form of temper testing, let your cat out and see if it comes back alive? FREAK.

Every dog that she's had listed since MARCH of this year is still "available" for adoption, and she never updated the profile of the dog I was looking at with any information, not even to mark it as aggressive towards cats! This is what I would call an accredited animal hoarder. YES, rescue organizations are legally allowed to essentially hoard their animals.

SO THANKS TO CRAIGSLIST we found our second dog to adopt, yes a husky, thanks to someone that's a volunteer with a rescue organization in Denham Springs (No they aren't all crazy, just some of them). This husky was in a neglectful situation, tied up to a tree in a backyard, not vetted, not neutered, not brushed or bathed and not even given adequate food or water (he was about 40 lbs underweight). We were able to take him, no questions asked... and well he's doing GREAT! He does have small animal aggression (but we're not idiots that let our cats run around the neighborhood), this is probably due to him trying to kill stuff to eat because he wasn't being fed. He's reached his proper weight and is socializing well with our shepherd, although she pushes him around a bit to get him to play, now that the weather is getting cooler he's more playful. He is a much happier animal than when he first arrived, he has his confidence back. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN ROOM, complete with air conditioning and heat and can come and go outside as they wish.

A good family, a good home... and we were turned down THREE TIMES by rescue organizations. I'm not saying they're all crazy... but seriously it was pretty rediculous.

It seriously makes good-hearted people that want to do the right thing, want to say, "you know what, no thanks, we'll just give our money to a puppy mill next time."


So... now I just sit back and wait for the slew of hate mail to begin. I was fully armored and prepared for anything to come my way. Instead, nearly 10 other people email me with their own horror stories in trying to adopt. How encouraging it was to know that I'm not the only person to be slighted, and in strange and confusing ways at that. I felt vindicated, even though shortly after the incident I happened to speak with someone with APAWS about the issue and they expressed their sincere regret such an incident had happened. I choose to leave this persons name anonymous for reasons to be explained later in this story.


Enter one Florence T. Robinson. A full 9 days after I've spoken my peace, got it off my chest, I receive the email to begin all email wars.


This guy is either lying through his teeth or he is not telling the whole truth! If three rescue organizations refused to adopt to him, there must have been some really, BIG, RED FLAGS waving!

Florence T. Robinson
Louisiana Alaskan Malamute Protection (LAMP)
Louisiana Sled Dog Rescue (LSDR)
Animal Protection and Welfare Society (APAWS)
Alaskan Malamute Assistance League (AMAL)


First off, after having researching Florence (henceforth referred to as Flo), she's a retired professor of something'or'nother from Southern University. She should know by now how the whole internet thing works and that if you respond to posts that are made in the first person, it's usually the person that made the post you're emailing. There isn't some third party subjecting their will upon me to tell their story. "This guy" would be me... you're welcome to use the appropriate pronouns, Flo. Geeze, I hope you weren't involved in English and worse yet, not trying to teach it to the poor lil' huskies.

You guys know how I am, I couldn't not reply. So, I MUST correct her. Don't worry, I was nice and polite in doing so.


"What guy? All three of these accounts were entirely true and devastating emotionally, no red flags should have been waving at all.

Since posting what has happened to me, I've received over 10 emails from other people that were also refused adoption for what they perceived to be a ridiculous reason, or no reason at all. Now, being somewhat an observant person, a few of these people were denied for obvious reasons such as not having the pets they already own spade, neutered, or properly vetted, or having very very small children and trying to adopt a breed known to be volatile around small children, etc. Such was not the case with myself, I have a detailed medical history with the vet on ALL of my past and current pets, very good references (including the original owner of our first dog), and a documented history of good and proper ownership. Had my references ever been called, or vet history checked, they would have easily seen that we could more than adequately provide.

Having previously adopted animals before, I realize that I simply ran into a few rotten eggs within the rescue organizations. I know that MOST of the people that volunteer or this is their profession make great sacrifices personally and financially for these animals. Shortly afterwards, I spoke with and received an apology from a member of APAWS.

We will have no resolution with the organization in Tennessee, but I hope that something happens that leads to an investigation, as she is really not doing the dogs she has up there any justice (nor if she was the telling the truth, apparently her cats either). The organization in Lake Charles should now regret sending any of their dogs to her, as she actually accused them of improperly taking care of and being cruel to the animals they sent to her. I suppose she knew I wasn't falling for the lie about her cat getting killed, and started grasping for straws, throwing an entire rescue organization under the bus in the process.

The volunteer that adopted us the husky has also since checked up on how that particular dog is doing as she is required, which is GREAT. She was glad to find us again as our paperwork had been damaged by water during Gustav. He's reaching a normal healthy weight (42lbs when we got him, around 60-65 now), is now well socialized with other dogs and children, and in general has many more of the qualities we expect in huskies than he displayed before. We are happy to give him a home he deserves and in retrospect, the dog we were going to adopt had already been 'saved' whereas he was still in need of saving. It doesn't give me back the year I spent trying to adopt the first husky, but it does make us feel better about what happened in the end.

There is nothing I could say or do to prove to you that the things that happened to me are exactly as I told them, except for you to personally meet my very healthy and happy family; however, it is important for the rescue community to realize that not EVERYONE who represents them does a good job, and as with any group, organization, workplace there will ALWAYS be someone who has a skewed perception or is simply overzealous. It's unfortunate because good people with good homes are being denied the opportunity to give an animal a better future."


Flo replies, matter of fact like...


Dear Cynthis:

The two people in APAWS, who always have to give their approval on the adoption of Huskies or Malamutes, have no recollection of the incident with you, and it is contrary to the behavior of both of us. When people come to me, I always have
a conversation with them about their knowledge, experience and expectations of dogs, especially the sled dogs. If something comes up in that conversation that is less than favorable, I always try to investigate the issue further to make sure that
I have not gotten the wrong impression. Only if the matter is cleared up and I think the person is a good candidate will I send them to the table to fill out an application. I usually accompany them to the table and let them know that unless something glaring surfaces, they have my approval. Terri does basically the same Obviously, neither one of us talked to you. I have no idea who you did talk to and why they refected you. Further, legitimate rescues are very anxious to adopt the dogs and cats in their care, so they don't reject people for shallow reasons. We just want to be sure that an animal we have rescued and brought back from the brink of death (every Sibe and Mal I have gotten has been in horrible shape and takes months
to become adoptable) are not going back into the same type of situation they came from. Perhaps there was something you said or something in your demeanor that sent a red flag to the rescue.


Dear Flo, it's a grand total of 7 letters. Could you possibly get them all right? CynthiA, CynthiA, CynthiA. It's not THAT hard.
Secondly, none of what you described above actually occurred. This is fully detailed out in my response.


The incident with APAWS was quite some time ago. We were not asked questions at the crates nor spoke to anyone at the crates. Not a single person approached us at that time although it wasn't particularly busy. After seeing the dog we stood there for a while, I was waiting on a decision from my husband as this was to be his dog and I really wanted to make sure this was what he wanted. We waited at the tables for an application, were handed one by the lady and when she asked which dog we were looking at, we answered her question and every other question she asked. The question that set her off was the inside/outside issue, apparently being outside for ANY amount of time was unacceptable. Even though we had stated it was to be inside except to use the bathroom and our yard was fully fenced in with the required materials for such occasion, she snatched our app away before I had even written our names on it. We had given her no reason to be alarmed as we already knew we easily met all the requirements and we are both very calm an respectful individuals. It happened so fast we just stood there in shock.

The only thing I could possibly think of is this. I'm sure I appeared to be THAT college student that organizations fear incapable of taking proper care, at 27 I still appear to be in my early teens, my 11 year old niece is about to pass me up in height and I was probably wearing an LSU shirt and comfortable jeans even though I had already received my degree several years prior. My husband is also a very relaxed man in what he wears, in no way a slob but he likes to be comfortable. It would be a shame if we were prejudged based on appearance alone to fall in the irresponsible category.

This IS what happened to us and I'm sorry to say you weren't there to make sure we weren't incorrectly ill-perceived. I can't give you a name of the individual, I really wish I could. Older with gray hair is the only information I have. A former co-worker who volunteers for Cat Haven knew who it was but never said the name that I can remember, as she at one time had interviewed her for a story. I'm assuming she really was able to identify the individual correctly. She told me not to feel bad because her opinion was that the woman was indeed quite 'interesting' to say the least. But that's just it and the basis to my grudge. Incidents like this stay with people like me because it affects us so greatly, if someone were to ask me I were to try adoption again, I would find myself reluctant but not entirely closed minded as shown by the next attempt to adopt which ended up just wildly horrible. I don't want to feel angry, my post was a therapeutic release of frustration. I'm letting it go now and would like to finally be able to let sleeping dogs lay.


Sooooo yeah, their little "process" of crates-to-table never happened. Yes, the last line was a very subtle hint that she shouldn't contact me again.
But NOOOOOOO....

I have been with APAWS for about 4 years. APAWS has been the Animal Protection and Welfare Society since 2002. Before that, it was a different organization. Who was the person from APAWS that apologized to you and was this by phone or email? When did this person apologize? I would like to resolve this issue. Yes it is wise to let sleeping dogs lie, but you woke up the dog!


Gee thanks for the history lesson Flo, wasn't necessary but okay. Why all the questions on who would DARE apologize on behalf of your organization? Getting ready for a little inquisition? Now her last line just started to irritate me a tiny bit and at this point I've decided to cease being somewhat cooperative.


I'm sorry but really that really is none of your business.

As far as you should know this person was a good representative of your organization that didn't make excuses. They simply said they were sorry that I had a bad experience and encouraged me to give adoption another chance. I can only assume you are not just being curios and intend on taking a course of action with this person. I would like to think it would be to commend them but I doubt that is the case. Do not ask me again.

At this point you are obviously not interested in the actual issues, nor care to admit even the possibility of fault with someone in APAWS; therefore there is no reason to continue our conversation. I'm politely and respectfully asking you to do not contact me again concerning this.


Seeeeee... I WAS being polite. Apparently, polite doesn't work for her... she REALLY needed answers and when I was discovered to be unwilling to participate in her little witch hunt. Weeeell then.


I have asked all APAWS people about this matter, and no one has any recollection of either the initial rejection or an apology. This leads me to but one conclusion: You are either highly delusional, or an inveterate liar! Either way, it makes your entire story highly suspect.


That's REALLY using your common sense. How many criminals immediately confess to their crimes when the police ask if they were guilty?!? How many employees are immediately honest with their bosses, when they're asked if they did something stupid to hurt the company? "Johnny did you break the cookie jar?", "uhhhhh, nooo mam". "Well okay Johnny, run along and play now."

I'm sure she was given real honest answers by the people she asked. Nonetheless it was starting to get real personal, me delusional? I'm known for being a little bit wacky, but in the 'I wear a clown nose' way and I DO admit to the occasional blonde moment. I mean I saw this picture,

and it took me a while to realize that it wasn't some giant weird creature, just a couple of G.I. Joes standing over fresh squirrel road-kill.

I think she sensed she was not going to get 'her way' and what do people who don't get their way do? Yeah, that's right, they resort to being retarded. WELL, there's nothing more exciting to me than messing with retarded persons. I sensed retarded people blood in the water and I'm not Jewish, but I've got a big nose even they would be jealous of. (For all the Jewish people out there who may be reading this, don't be offended... it's super funny and you love me!)


Are you retarded?
I'm not ratting out the good person, I have no clue who the bad person is.

You're a fool if you think the people you asked would admit to such terrible actions.

The person whom I spoke with probably thinks you're an idiot and I'm sure they aren't going to patronize you.

There is no bottom that can be reached. Stop playing super-sleuth, you are not good at it.

In case you didn't catch on... I have already adopted. The worst you could do is not let me adopt... whoop-de-doo. Been there, done that... not going to try again.

Let

it

go

before

it

is

too

late


So at this point, I've ceased being polite. I've fully determined that she is a first-class idiot that has issues with being wrong wrong wrong. This is confirmed in her response.



You can't rat out the bad person because that person does not exist. You cannot rat out the good person because that person is a figment of your imagination, or is not a member of our group. In short, all of this is made up, and you are not big enough a person or are so delusional that you cannot admit it.


Yes Flo, I'm short, very short, that means I'm not a big person. In this, and only this, you are correct. Your insults are getting kind of boring... it's time to get wacky.


Then the joke is on you because you INSIST on arguing with, in your opinion, a delusional person. I purposefully made a story up just to have an interesting Sunday conversation with you.

Thank you SO much for playing along. Now, that we've determined that I'm crazy, I have a new box of crayons and I REALLY need to go enjoy eating them. My favorite ones are the purple ones, they taste like a mix of wax and grape. Care for me to waste some more of your time? I can go all day, I have nothing better to do.


Her response is less than brilliant, but it keeps the game open.



You are absolutely right! I am wasting my time, because you are not interested in resolving any issues: You are only interested in whining and trying to gain undeserved sympathy. You are indeed a delusional, paranoid, inveterate liar.


Soooo, if you agree with a delusional person... does that in affect, make you also somewhat of a loon?

You may want to take off your hero cape for the night. Last I checked; I never asked you to resolve anything nor for your sympathy. Even if you were to swallow your pride and offer such, there's no way on this earth I would accept it. Not like that was going to ever happen, but just so you're aware.
I've asked you to leave me alone, which I was starting to regret because I've been stuck at the inlaws and I've been REALLY bored. Man, I just kept checkin my email. Did you know that purple crayons do not taste like grape? Just wax really, guess I was delusional about the whole grape thing as well.

Please continue to humor me... this is going to make a GREAT story. My readers are going to split at the seems with laughter. Florence it's been real fun, hope you don't mind if I use direct quotes. Of course, I really don't need permission since it was all voluntarily sent directly to me. Gotta love technology!

I might not have been remembered before by your motley crew but I'm almost certain, YOU will NEVER forget me now!


*chirp*chirp*chirp* no response... NOOOOOO don't go Flooooreeeennceee!!!!
I kept checking my email, and checking... and checking some more. *sniffle*
I send one last correspondence before drifting off.


Hey Flo (can I call you Flo? You can call me Sin [Cyn] if you want.), I just wanted to tell you goodnight... I'm sad that I'll go a few hours without you but maybe I'll have a nice dream with you in it. That might make my husband jealous but he'll get over it. I really feel like we've bonded in the past 24 hours. Hope you didn't take anything too personally. Talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams!


Sadly, I woke up this morning with no new email from Florence T. Robinson. I've gone through my workday with no emails from Florence T. Robinson. I feel so empty. So empty that I must reach out one last time.


Flo, where are you? I've gone all day without hearing from you. Are you okay? I know you must have been up all night crying for the souls of those in my posession. They want you to know they're okay and they'll even share their training treats. It sounded more like *bark*bark*bark* but I've got a dog-to-english translator on my iPhone.

I was thinking about it on my way to work this morning. I should have asked you if you could pick me up or something. Don't worry, I'd chip in for the gas. They really shouldn't let delusional people like me receive licenses, or earn degrees for that matter. I might have to confirm that with the university though, I might be making that up as well. I might really be an elf, and not just some really really short person with no purpose.

I'm sorry to cause you grief. If only you would come back, I'd be soooo happy. You've opened my eyes to the pretend world I've been living in. I shall make a shrine and I shall name it, Ode to Flo. The candle will be lit until your glorious return.


UPDATE: Still no response from Flo, preparing to fire again.


My Dearest Flo,

I had almost completed my shrine to your greatness when I realized I was missing the most important element... your picture.

Despite my best google-searching, I was unable to find your likeness. So I decided to create my own likeness of you using my second best talent, the first best being mocking you.

I tried to interpret what I do know about you into a 2-dimensional version of you. That wasn't incredibly difficult because I only had to increase your personality by one dimension. Had I been trying to go 3-dimensional, well, that would have been quite a challenge.

Here's what I do know:

1. You don't like being poked at and once you feel like your competence is in danger, you try your best to hide.
2. You're an older woman. I can tell you're an older woman because you still place two spaces in between the end of one sentence and the beginning of another. This practice ended with the age of the typewriter. Letters on a typewriter were space in uniform fashion. In modern technologies, this is not necessary due to the computers ability to kern the spaces in between letters. Being that you are older, this required the use of the eyeglasses accessory and an elegant up-do.
3. You're never wrong, which is why you look like my 9th grade math teacher, who was also never wrong, even when the principle of Scotlandville had to step in and inform her, she was indeed wrong. Ironically, I also got in trouble with her because I was unjustly accused of mocking her. I was acquitted of those charges.
4. You like to make assumptions about people. This does not translate into any physical properties, it's just something I've noticed in the course of our conversations.

You'll find attached my creation, which I must say, despite the fact that I've never done caricatures before, is quite striking. I REALLY hope you like it.



All my love,
Cyn


HEY, I asked her VERY nicely to leave me alone like forever ago. Florence T. Robinson, you just may be the inspiration behind Pet Adoption Organizations are NUTS: The Sequel.