I sometimes choose to put my very private thoughts in a very public place. It's a direct conflict of interest, but it's my way of letting go of those feelings that otherwise never escape. It's also an opportunity for the world to know how I truly feel, if the world cares enough to take the time to find out.
There is a re-occuring theme in my life, loosing the people I love the most. People move on, and so should I. We are all but a phoenix rising, living, dying, being reborn. We live this pattern over and over through our experiences. The transformation is both tragic and beautiful. My current state is somewhere inbetween dying and being reborn.
I realized that I was going through a grieving process... which can be summarized by:
shock, pain, panic, guilt, anger & hostility, inability to function, reconciliation of grief, hope.
This morning, I ate an apple. You might think this is something mundane, but besides eating a slice of Katy's birthday cake on Sunday... I haven't been able to put down much of anything besides water over the last couple of days. I'm not sure where this puts me in the process, but I'm hoping that tomorrow, I'll be able to eat an actual lunch-like meal. I think that it's closer to reconciling.
Even in the midst of terrible events, I have SO MANY GOOD THINGS going on in my life right now. Life builds such amazing rollercoasters to ride at times. Not many people can say that they are in the position to buy a house just over one year out of college. Not many people can say that they have amazingly supportive and loving parents, who always have the best intentions, even if it does bug me from time to time. Not many people can say that they have a wonderfully supportive man in their life... there to dry every tear... even when they don't understand what's going on.
I want to say thank you to all of you, the very many of you, who went beyond the basic requirements of friendship to offer their comfort to me. Those of you who spent time with me this weekend to make sure I knew you cared. Even complete strangers spent precious moments of their time to give me incredible words of wisdom and peace, not even knowing exactly what was causing my pain. Here are some of the things that were sent to me in the past few days... quotations and very lovely writing. I felt compelled to share them with you.
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"I had a motto that I asked God to help me with "Just breath another day". I knew the pain would take some time to ease and the confusion of understanding myself and what was going on would be even longer.... I just simply asked God to help me "breath another day" and bare the load for just one....more....day....." - Joseph E. Simon
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A Silent Wind
Joseph E. Simon
Blown into my life
Like the wind from an autumn morn
I didn't ask for us to be friends
Nor did I wish for us to remain strangers
Did I open any doors for you?
I sin
I paint red doors black
I atone
I remove grace as my doormat
I'm grateful to know I'm human
Flesh
Blood
Sprit
Grieving is no longer a stranger
Sometimes staying longer than necessary
Making the day endlessly long
Sometimes caressing me in bed
When I can't sleep and tire of the pattern of my dark ceiling
She whispers over my heart
Bringing memories
Embracing my pillow the tears start to fall
My soul inebriated
I fall asleep
Often it comes
And will many times more
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"For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
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This Evening
Joseph E. Simon
Your eyes
Brings peace into my soul
They speak loudly of your simplicity
Showering me with feelings I can't describe
I love looking into your eyes
I have found the man that I long to be from this child you stand beside
Hoping, praying you'd handle him gently
When you are sad allow me to take hold of your hand
Many have never reached my heart because I protect it so
You met me halfway and shared with me a dream
Your caring compassion helps me to forgive, forget and heal
A dreamer has awakened
You are the reason he lives
By grace I'm freely sharing with you my joy and happiness of a truly imagined peace
Laying my head upon my pillow I will pray until my last breath
That when days work has been done and I think of you, thoughts of Love shall whisper Hope from my heart
Thank-you
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"My flesh and heart may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalms 73:26
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Fallen Angel
by L'Ame Immortelle
I found you broken on the ground
From your mouth a bitter sound
That became sweeter as I approached
You in your deepest agony
I put you up and raised you well
And more than stories ever tell
I fell in love with you those days
And hoped that you would too
You've been a fallen angel
Ripped out of the sky
But as your wings grew strong enough
You left me - behind to die
We built up our own world together
For our future I assumed
I believed in what you said that day
But was already doomed
The more you've learned and grown
The less you cared for me
But I was too blinded by my feelings
To see the dawning agony
You've been a fallen angel
Ripped out of the sky
But as your wings grew strong enough
You left me - behind to die
You've been a fallen angel
Ripped out of the sky
But as your wings grew strong enough
You left me - behind to die
I love you more than I can say
And we will never part
You told me nearly every day
But still you broke my heart
As soon as you could fly again
Into the open sky
You left me without any reason
Back on this world to die
You've been a fallen angel
Ripped out of the sky
But as your wings grew strong enough
You left me - behind to die
You've been a fallen angel
Ripped out of the sky
But as your wings grew strong enough
You left me - behind to die
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"I love you" - Chad
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