I know I haven't really written in a while. I haven't found much reason to write, no real strong emotions, pain or otherwise, to write about. I guess it was because for the longest time I simply didn't care. I didn't care to confront the lemons in life and either make that damned glass of lemonade or suffer the invariable consequences of having rotting lemons just hanging around. I know most people consider me a strong person, but thats only because I haven't reached my breaking point yet and I don't let too many people close enough to me to see me when I do.
I hurt.
The truth is I do care. I care what happens to me and the people I love and cherish. My family and friends should be the single most important thing to me... having love and living life should be the blood in my veins. Was it also my poison for so long? Is it possible to care too much for your own good? Yes, it is.
I cry.
Too scared to make a decision for fear of being someone's disappointment, someone's failure. Do I make my parent's proud? Am I a good enough employee? Will my life ever measure up to the amount of natural talent God has given me to produce beautiful works of art or clever advertisements? What is my reason, my purpose, my goal in life?
I wonder.
Last night I was finally able to let go of so much uncertainty by simply being honest, with myself and with someone else I really truly care about. If one thing is true, it is that your intuition is always right and it always will be. That is something that is never easy to admit, it was downright painful, and I fought back tears and that sound in your voice you can't help but get when you need to ask the important questions but know the answer will cut your heart to pieces. The trembling of my hands let me know that effort is failing, the lump in my throat evidence that I can't hide myself from the reality anymore. Caring hurts. Love hurts. But caring is essential and love is life itself.
Maybe in time, true friendship will grow. In between my dreams, in living.
I hope.
In other areas of my life, I am wrapped in a veil of deception that I wove tirelessly, but not skillfully, and have thus caught myself up in it and unable to escape. There is no one else more deserving than I to be alone for now. Yet, somehow I'm not. The world revolves and people manage to find the room in their hearts to believe that I am the most incredible person on earth. Why must you do this?
I scream.
As I cried for my failures, I held a tiny life in my arms. She was warm, furry, somewhat decent smelling, and purring... not knowing how badly I've messed up over and over again. I would adore to be more like her because for ignorance truly is bliss. She wiggles around to find another comfortable spot to rest against and is content. Around 7 am she will be searching up my nostrils with her sandpaper tongue, she has figured out that is indeed the quickest way to wake me up and make me irritated enough to set her out the door. How intelligent she can be at times even though she's only been in the world for 10 weeks. She has me figured out slightly more than I think I do. Those are just my humble thoughts.
I sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I So Hate Consequences - Reliant K
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes
So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
[chorus]
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what is my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes
It just hit me this is more then just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
[chorus]
And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down
All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my beath
There your words they caught my ears
You said 'I miss you son. Come home'
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I'd wished for all the this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told you so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what is my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that
No comments:
Post a Comment