7.30.2014

The One Where I Posted an Online Ad

The Craigslist ad I posted in my dream last night:

CAT POOP TREATS

Turd nuggets delivered fresh weekly for your canine pal. Sizes are small and large. $5 per bag, payable in advance monthly.

As I hit upload, I was able to observe 4 separate scenes. 

The first scene was an elderly gentleman browsing the internet with a brown overly-excited short-haired dachshund in his lap. This pup clearly knew what he was getting for Christmas and he was PUMPED UP about it. 

The second scene was my two cats, a small one and a large one and they were looking at me with a great deal of disdain... "We find this disturbing and unacceptable."

The third scene was a Craigslist auditor in charge of reviewing ads of questionable content. "Welp... It's disgusting... but it's not against the TOS."

And the forth scene was the saddest face of my basset hound. I was selling HIS snacks. How could I betray him?!?!


I woke up when my husband kissed me goodbye as he was headed off to work. I immediately burst into a fit of giggles and after I explained what was so funny, he started digging around to find "the crack I must have been smoking."

7.29.2014

The One About Sharks, Shipwrecks and a Sold-Out Superdome

I was on a cruise ship traveling near Panama. George Clooney and Brad Pitt were directing a B-movie about shark monsters (thanks Sy-fy Channel). I was cast as a victim and my scene was being shot in one of the swimming pools, despite being surrounded by the vastness of the Caribbean Sea. In order to be viciously eaten, I had to essentially dive into an immobile rubber sharks mouth. So basically my death amounted to a poor decision on where to launch myself towards water. 

During our voyage, the world was going into a post apocalyptic and heavily militarized state (reason unknown). The ship was wrecked and I was separated from my friends and family. I took shelter with a family in the countryside for a short time to recover and then journeyed through varying terrains, heading north towards the states. Traveling was dangerous. I was almost shot trying to retrieve a watermelon after curfew. 

When I finally reached home, I had been gone many years and presumed dead. Every time I was reunited with a family member or friend I think I could feel myself physically hyperventilating it was so emotional. It felt like the video of that dog that worked itself up so much while greeting it's owner, it actually passed out. (Included below)

I was the front-woman to a highly successful rock band (complete with a full orchestra) and my disappearance caused quite the conundrum. The label decided they needed to keep the money machine churning and they had managed to find someone who looked similar to "perform" at concerts. In order to prevent someone not close to the situation from figuring out the ruse, they turned my alter-ego into a recluse. Irrevocably damaged by being "attacked by a shark while I was floating in the sea". Now the cat was out of the bag and my management very quickly set up had a massive concert at the Super Dome to celebrate my return. 

I hadn't even had a shower yet when I got pushed out in front of 200,000 people, but I performed brilliantly along with my double. The house lights came up with the sunrise.